


From the Moment I Saw You

by Deviathan



Category: KOTOR - Fandom, Knights of the Old Republic - Fandom, Knights of the Old Republic 2, kotor 2
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-16 18:26:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 25,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16959225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deviathan/pseuds/Deviathan
Summary: Hello, this is a series of short vignettes and basically an account of a possible full-fledged romance between the Jedi Exile and Atton Rand. I wrote it while I was playing through the cut content version of the game and imagined it going on behind the scenes. This does not mean it is fully canon. It only really works with a light side female PC and Atton. The full-fledged thing is complete, but I'm posting it a little at a time so I can edit some of it mildly. It starts out summarizing a bit, but the scenes get more detailed and longer as the romance develops. It expands more once they get to Nar Shadaa, right after Telos. There will be mind conversations, conversations with multiple party members, and more. There's heavy dialogue. Hope you enjoy.





	1. Meeting on Peragus

**Author's Note:**

> This first little bit is an intro, showing how the Exile felt when she first met Atton. I've added a little dialogue, but a lot of it is like the scene from the game. The Exile meets Atton when she's stuck on the Peragus mining facility, and she is intrigued by him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the intro. Short brief. The meat of the story will come later, but this shows the Exile's first interactions with Atton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it needed a little more dialogue to showcase some of the later scenes. So, if you're an old reader, and you're wondering why the beginning sounds a little different, that's why. I try not to overexplain scenes or use too much dialogue from the actual game unless I add a couple lines, or I change it slightly. So, I'm including the angel scene, but that's partially to show her reaction and partially to give you an idea of what's to come. And I added some background dialogue, just so it flowed a little better.

I found myself stuck in my underwear on a strange mining facility fighting rogue droids, and somehow, my force powers had suddenly returned. I didn’t panic. The remnants of my Jedi training eased my internal alarms, but this whole situation uneased me. I decided to listen to whatever Kreia told me. She had some idea of what she was doing.

Kreia showed me the image of a man sitting in a holding cell, and I blinked. I hadn’t seen anyone that good-looking since before the Mandalorian Wars. I didn’t tell Kreia that, but I’m certain I held an anticipatory smile when I opened the door.

"Are you an angel?" he asked me. "Aw, I'm just kidding. That's the worst line I've ever used. Hope some poor kid doesn't start using it." 

I almost laughed. "I'm sure you could come up with something better if you actually tried."

"I've been in a force cage for days. The constant humming is making it hard to think." 

"Uh huh. Sounds like an excuse. I'd keep those eyes up and tell me who you are." I was certain he could see the smile on my face hadn't faded. 

"I'm Atton. I actually wasn't supposed to make it into the final game. Blame my agent. I was slated for a spin-off to Jedi Knight, but I don't want to talk about what happened *there.*" 

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I was intrigued. Even from behind an energy shield, I could see he was as handsome as they come. I hadn’t been hit on that heavily since my days in the academy. Probably helped that I wasn’t wearing much. He seemed quite aware of that factor.

I couldn’t say I wasn’t flattered, but I needed to know about his history and what the galaxy had endured for the past few years. He explained, and despite his disdain for the Jedi, he amused me. I didn’t know if he was just sticking around for the show or because there was some care in him.

I probably shouldn’t have checked out his butt as he was checking out the console, but to be fair, he’d been ogling me for several minutes. I didn’t see much harm in ogling him back. As long as I didn’t touch him, it couldn’t hurt. I said I trusted him, and I wasn’t lying. I didn’t think he’d hurt me, though the constant staring did get irritating when I was trying to focus.

As I went over to the console I asked him, “Can you not stare at me as I try to get us off this station?”

“Sorry, just checking out the…console.”

“I thought you already did that when you discovered the hub was severed.”

“I’ll just leave you to it.”

As we were waiting for the droid to contact us, he asked me, "So, uh, how long have you been a Jedi? Must be tough, you know, no family..., no husband..." 

I held back my laughter. I didn’t want to admit that I was already beginning to like this guy. So I ribbed him a bit, “No tougher than enduring your false sympathy while you’re staring at my chest.”

“Hey, I wasn’t trying to—”

I wondered how he was going to recover from that but the door opened, and he told me to be careful while "subtly" saying he didn't care. I could see right through him. 

I almost ribbed him a little more, but I refrained. Maybe I should’ve. He’d been a bit sexist, a bit anti-Jedi, but I hadn’t had a laugh in awhile. 

This continued through my trip into the tunnels even over the hololink.

He cursed when I told him I found clothes, and I didn’t refrain from laughing.

“It’s distracting…I mean, for the droids.”

“Shouldn’t I be distracting the droids?”

“Yes, but I mean, with your plasma torch…”

“You’re not going to recover from that one,” I said. "I am well aware that it's not the droids I'm distracting."

“Yeah, you’re right. Again, be careful.”

I didn’t want to admit it, and after everything that happened, I had no need for a romantic relationship, but he was making my day much better.


	2. Stuck in an Apartment with a Witch and a Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton and Exile are talking about Kreia and a man who tried to kill them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Atton, the Exile, and Kreia have reached Telos after Peragus. Atton and Exile are having a conversation about the man who tried to kill them when they were stuck in some force cages as well as Atton's volatile relationship with Kreia. (Ask for more background if I'm not giving enough details.) The scene is taking place during their house arrest, but the Exile is still feeling calm from the respite from conflict.  
> You likely already know this, but Chodo Habat is the head of the Ithorians leading the environmental restoration project on Telow.

Something about Atton seemed odd to me. My connection to the force had only just returned, but he seemed more aware of it than I realized. Even when he called himself a strong, manly mynock, he was showing an insight I didn't expect from someone who wasn't in touch with the force. Kreia had called him a fool, but I couldn’t see her reasoning. If she meant the fool as in the journeyman, I could understand, but he knew more than he told about almost everything.

Now that we’d finally reached Telos, we'd been locked away in an apartment. But I had a feeling, the house arrest would not last. I looked forward to meeting some new companions. Though I appreciated Kreia and Atton's companionship, I knew these two despised each other, not that I quite blamed either. They freely insulted each other every time they spoke.

Kreia still slept, or at least, she appeared to be sleeping. I had difficulty telling from the blankness of her eyes. 

Despite the house arrest, I’d been feeling better and Atton seemed to have noticed.

“You’re way better company than that old witch back there,” he said.

Though I also preferred his company to Kreia’s, I didn’t say so. Kreia didn’t always strike me in the best light. I could tell by her attitude towards Chodo Habat's messenger and our previous conversations that she disliked it when I behaved kindly towards people, and as far as I was concerned that was bad enough. The force brought people to me when I could help, and I thought I should.

“Shh...,” I said. “You don’t have to say that out loud. She might hear you.”

“She calls me a fool and an imbecile to my face,” he said. “Why shouldn’t I call her a witch?”

“It’s rude even still.”

“I can’t remember the last time someone called me rude. I’d think you’d expect it by this point.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

He stiffened, and I wondered if I'd sounded more serious than I meant to when I’d said that.

“Thank you for the compliment, and thank you for how you handled the assassin,” I said.

“What?”

“You asked him to come through the cage. You egged him on so he wouldn’t do the smart thing and overload the power cells.”

“I’m not sure what you mean,” he said.

“This is why I don’t understand why Kreia calls you a fool. You’re obviously no fool.”

“Maybe she’s delusional.”

I shook my head. “You two will never get along, will you?”

“Not happening in this lifetime.”

Kreia stirred. “If you would refrain from discussing me and instead let me sleep, I would appreciate it.”

“I apologize,” I said.


	3. The Exile's Boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton pretends to be the Exile's boyfriend to get Luxa to stop hitting on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Atton and the Exile are talking to Luxa, one of the Exchange bosses, on Telos. Throughout the game's dialogue, Luxa hits on the Exile. This is an added response to this from Atton. Atton points out early on in the game that the exile has a glow about her, and he brings it up again here.
> 
> I've thought about his comment about disliking Exchange thugs and his response to the Twin Suns, but I still think he'd tell her this. Luxa was clearly hitting on the Exile, and he's the type to know when someone's about to betray you. And I do have some notes later about the Twin Suns comment being made to make the Exile jealous. I'm not sure if it's what the writer of the game intended, but it suits the story.

On Telos, after the scantily clad exchange woman, Luxa, had just spent a few minutes both asking me to kill her boss and hitting on me, she asked, “Hey, you want to stay here and grab a drink with me?”

Before I could let her know that she wasn’t my type, which I wasn’t anxious to do, Atton put his hand on my shoulder. He said, “Hey, honey, we should really get going.”

“Didn’t mean to disturb your boyfriend,” said Luxa. “You could do better.”

I looked from her to Atton, and I honestly didn’t think I could, but I didn’t say anything.

“She could do a lot worse, too,” he said. He grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the cantina.

“Honey?” I asked.

“I thought you could use an easy out,” he said. “Wasn’t she making you a little uncomfortable?”

“Yes, she was, but you didn’t have to do that.”

“She was Exchange. She’d just asked you to kill her boss. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

“I don’t. I appreciate it actually. I just want you to know that you don’t have to behave like a jedi knight in shining armor with me.”

He groaned at the pun. “Maybe I should’ve let you have a drink with her. Then I wouldn’t have to listen to that.”

I smiled. “I’m surprised you weren’t interested in her. You could see her chest from Coruscant.”

“Let’s just say I don’t like Exchange thugs, no matter how devastating their cleavage is, and leave it at that.”

I grinned.

“That glow around you just seems to get brighter,” he said.

“You’re getting a bit of a glow, too,” I said.

“Now, you’re messing with me. I don’t glow.”

“Maybe I am,” I said, but I could swear I saw the faintest hint of something when I looked at him.


	4. Running into an Old Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton and the Exile meet Bao-Dur. Atton is a little intimidated. Atton challenges Bao-Dur to an arm wrestle that I will include in a later scene. There are some hints of the Exile's past creeping in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After escaping Citadel Station and ending up on Telos's surface, Atton and the Exile meet Bao-Dur, an old friend of hers.

When we’d finally left Citadel Station, we reached Bao-Dur. Though it took me a moment, mostly due to my head injury, I recognized him. He’d been cute, though not in an approachable way. He seemed more interested in droids than women, so I hadn’t bothered him about it. Besides, at that point, I’d been more attached to following the Jedi’s order of celibacy. My thoughts wandered more when it came to the opposite sex now, even after I’d regained my force powers. I guess after rejecting celibacy once, my body had realized I couldn’t hide those thoughts forever. I glanced at Atton.

His stance had changed. Though he’d learned to trust me quickly, he didn’t seem that way with anyone else.

“So, war buddies?” asked Atton.

“Of a sort,” I said. Bao-Dur and I had a slightly checkered past. Not that I disliked him any or he disliked me any. I’d tried to block his face out because of something I’d asked him to do.

“So, how well do you know each other?” he asked.

“He was a tech,” I said. “We talked on occasion, but I didn’t see him on the battlefield much. Not that he couldn’t have been, from the looks of things.”

“Is that a comment on my physique or my fighting prowess?” asked Bao-Dur.

“Both,” I said. I didn’t mean it in a flirtatious way but instead as a statement of fact.

Atton flushed. “Plenty of us have a nice physique.”

And I didn’t mention to Atton that I found his physique much more to my particular tastes, but to his credit, his jacket and shirt complimented him much better than Bao-Dur’s overalls.

“Yes,” I said. “I recall one of us commenting heavily on my physique.”

Bao-Dur gave Atton an alarmed glare.

Atton said, “Well, that’s not what I meant—”

“Are you saying my physique’s not impressive?”

“No, you’re very…umm…”

“General, you can stop making the man squirm. We have to kill this cannok first.”

And in a matter of seconds, we had.

“You may not have my muscle mass, but you can still destroy someone in a fight,” said Bao-Dur.

“And while you’re running after them with your sword, I can shoot them while they’re far away,” said Atton.

“True, but I could probably beat you in an arm wrestle,” said Bao-Dur.

“I’ll take that bet once we get back to the ship,” said Atton.

“Alright, just don’t be disappointed when you lose,” said Bao-Dur.


	5. In a Strange Academy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton feels uncomfortable in Atris's academy on Telos, and the Exile asks him if he wants to leave their group. He says no. The two briefly flirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Kreia learns of Atton's secrets and knocks him out, Atton is feeling uncomfortable and disoriented. Atris locked up the party in a hidden academy in the scene before this. All the women in the academy look the same and offer to duel the Exile.

Atton seemed off when I retrieved him from his cell in Atris’s Academy, and I wondered more about his Echani training. He seemed disjointed. He’d passed out in his cell, but I was getting another feeling from him. He looked wary, like any time he might be attacked.

So I asked him, even though I didn’t want to but because I felt obligated to ask, “Atton, you can leave if you’d like.”

“Nah. We need to stick together, you know.” He paused. “Do you want me to go?”

“No,” I said, “but I thought you might want to.”

He gazed at me. “I’m staying. I want things to get better for you.”

“I’m glad to have you along. Are you sure you’re alright? You seem disoriented.”

“I’m fine,” he said. “You’re the one to worry about, at least with all the Jedi nonsense going on.”

I noticed his stance change. “Are you uncomfortable here? Do you want to go back to the ship?”

“This place is weird. Why do all these women look the same? Not that I’m complaining.”

I tried to hold back my glare, but I think he spotted it, and it was the first time I’d seen him smile since he’d gotten out of the cell, so I didn’t say more.

Though the second time I saw him smile came when it was time for me to battle the handmaiden sisters.

“Don’t stare too much,” I told him.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you constantly seem to end up in your underwear around me. Especially fighting random sets of quintuplets.”

“Keep that up, and next time, I’ll be sparring with you.”


	6. Red Lights and Arm Wrestles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton and T3 play Pazaak. Bao-Dur discusses Atton's feelings for Exile to her. Then the Exile and Bao-Dur tease Atton about being attracted to Kreia. It ends with an arm wrestle between and Atton and Bao-Dur and then Bao-Dur and the Exile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crew of the Ebon Hawk is on their way to Nar Shadaa after escaping Telos. There was an in-game conversation where Atton told the Exile that Kreia might've been attractive once, and he only said that because he needed to get Nar Shadaa's Redlight District.

We’d finally reached the ship. I appreciated this time of travel. Time to rest and meditate could ease my soul.

What didn’t ease my soul was Atton constantly calling T3 a trash compactor.

“Could you give him a break?” I asked as I crossed into the hub.

“I’ll give the trash compactor a break when he stops cheating at Pazaak,” he said. “He’s completely cleaned me out.”

T3 let out a several beep response that amounted to, “He’s just bad at Pazaak.”

“At least you weren’t betting your clothes,” I said. “How much pocket change do you have, anyway? We’ve all been using the communal pot.”

“I may have smuggled some things in my clothes while I was stuck in that cell.”

“No wonder your hands go down your pants on occasion. You’re trying to rearrange your pocket change.”

T3 let out the droid equivalent of laughter.

Atton turned bright red. “Can it, you little trash compactor. I’ll sell you for scrap.”

“Dwooo,” said T3 mournfully.

“He’s just saying that because he can’t think of a good response. You two keep at it.”

As I exited the central chamber, I approached Bao-Dur in the cargo hold. I asked him, “You taking a look at my lightsaber parts?”

Bao-Dur was looking over my lens. “Looks good, but you still need a few things.”

“I’ll keep looking,” I said.

He handed me back my parts. He hesitated before asking almost too casually, “So, did you know Atton’s interested in you?”

“I was aware of that fact, yes,” I said. 

“He asked me about the chances of you two ‘hooking up.’ I thought you should know in case you were interested.”

“Higher if he stops getting excited about all of the handmaiden sisters looking alike.”

Bao-Dur laughed. “So, he really has got you? I wouldn’t believe it if you hadn’t said anything.”

“I’d rather remain celibate for the moment,” I said. “I haven’t had a relationship since the war, and I don’t think it would bring back fond memories.”

“If you’re certain,” said Bao-Dur, though he smiled.

“I’m a little worried he’s keeping something from me,” I said.

“Really?”

“Something dark, something about his past.”

“Well, you should ask him.”

“I will when he’s ready. Don’t tell him I’m…”

“I won’t, General.”

Bao-Dur, Atton, and I sat down for dinner. Kreia ate her dinner alone in her quarters, if she ate at all. I hadn’t seen her touch a bite of food since I met her. We were approaching Nar Shadaa, and we were going to reach it in a day. A thought occurred to me as I sipped my soup.

“So, when we reach Nar Shadaa are you headed to the redlight district?” I asked Atton.

He almost swallowed his spoon. “What?”

“After you met Kreia, you said she might’ve been attractive once, but if you could, you’d be trying to reach Nar Shadaa’s redlight district.”

“After you met Kreia?” said Bao-Dur.

“It was right after I’d gotten out of prison!”

“And your thoughts went to Kreia instead of the general?” said Bao-Dur.

“Oh, you should’ve seen how he stared at me on Peragus.”

“You were in your underwear,” said Atton.

Bao-Dur half-smiled. “Maybe you do need to get to the redlight district.”

“I don’t!” said Atton. “I said that to get you off my back.”

“Because you like Kreia?” I said.

“No! I said she could’ve been attractive once.”

“I think he’s hiding his true feelings,” said Bao-Dur.

“Agreed,” I said. “You know, she probably hasn’t received much attention in a long time. If you asked, she might join you in the cargo hold for some alone time. She’s already given you pet names, fool and imbecile.”

Atton groaned. “Let me eat my dinner, and then we’re getting out of here.”

“No stop at the redlight district?” I asked.

“If you keep this up, I will make a stop there!” he said.

“Will you?” I asked, actually sincere this time.

His expression softened. “We have work to do. I don’t have time for that.”

“Sure,” I said, but I grinned.

“Didn’t you challenge me to an arm wrestle?” said Bao-Dur.

“Yeah, but if you use the droid arm, it’s cheating,” said Atton.

“I’ll use the organic one, I promise,” he said.

They paused their dinners and leaned across the table. I moved their food out of the way. They grabbed hands. Bao-Dur looked comfortable as Atton hand crushed into his. Atton was putting in a lot of effort, and he kept looking back at me during their game. 

He was getting Bao-Dur’s arm to move about half an inch back, but I could tell Bao-Dur didn’t care. The moment Bao-Dur had grown bored of toying with him, Atton went down.

Atton winced. “I was going easy on you.”

“Sure, I’ll believe that,” said Bao-Dur. He shared a skeptical glance with me.

“Me next,” I said.

Atton flushed. “Uh, it wouldn’t be fair, I mean…you might use your force powers to beat me.”

“I meant I wanted to go against the winner,” I said.

“Oh,” said Atton. “Right.”

I held my arm out to Bao-Dur. He crushed my hand in his grip. Although I used my strength in battle, I wasn’t the most adept at it. When I’d been a Jedi, I’d used my force powers more than my lightsaber. I was surprised to find that Bao-Dur was as strong as he was intelligent. He had me at a standstill for a full minute, and while I could’ve force pushed his hand down, that wouldn’t have been fair. So, he eventually brought me down to the table. I rubbed my hand.

“Good game,” I said.

“Thank you, General.”

“Well, you beat the former Jedi. Maybe losing to you isn’t so bad after all.”

“So, you want to arm wrestle me, now? See who’s the better of the two losers?”

He flushed again. He rubbed the back of his head, trying to look away. “Nah. Call me when you want to play Pazaak. That’s a game I can beat you at.”

“So, you’ll admit you’d lose against me?”

Atton groaned. “There’s no winning with you.”

“Because I’m stronger?”

“Because no matter what I do, you’ll give me a hard time about it.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t make it so easy,” said Bao-Dur.

Bao-Dur and I started laughing. Atton rolled his eyes and returned his attention to his meal, but he was smiling.


	7. Right Here Playing Pazaak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Visas joins the crew. The Exile learns how to touch the minds of her companions, and Atton teaches her to shield her mind from other Jedi. They then go to the Pazaak Den to utilize some of her pazaak skills. There, the Exile gets jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After they get to Nar Shadaa, they meet Visas, and then Kreia teaches the Exile how to touch the minds of her companions. Some scenes are an extension of the old, like the pazaak scene, and some are new.

The next time we came to the ship for the night, two things happened. The first involved shooting some exchange flunkies, and the rest involved almost dying to a strange Sith woman. I found Kreia, Atton, and Bao-Dur on the floor. I tried to go to them, but the Sith blocked my path. After I defeated her, but left her alive, I ran to my crew to make sure they were safe.

I helped them before I helped the Sith woman.

“You do not need to help me,” said Kreia.

“I am aware,” I said as I pulled Atton off the floor.

“I’ve been through worse,” said Atton. “Turns out I can’t do much against a lightsaber. Can you use that thing now?”

“No, I broke it,” I said.

“You find the one lightsaber this side of the galaxy, and you break it,” said Atton.

“It was break it or die.”

“I’ll see what I can scavenge, General,” said Bao-Dur.

“Now, let’s go see if she’s alright,” I said.

“We get ambushed by a Sith and you want to see if she’s alright?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “She didn’t act like she hated me. She might turn out to be friendly.”

“One of these days you’re going to meet a rancor and decide it’s friendly,” said Atton.

“Still, I think she could be helpful,” I said.

Atton sighed. “You want to help me check on her?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Well, better I help than you get killed,” said Atton.

“Better you two than me,” said Bao-Dur.

“This plan will put us all in danger,” said Kreia.

“Or this plan can gain us an advantage and a friend,” I said.

Kreia shook her head. She wouldn’t actively oppose me, but she’d often announce her disapproval. Atton and I checked to make sure the Sith was alright, and I found rather quickly, that I had a new devoted companion. Not devoted like Atton or Bao-Dur, but blindly devoted, someone who’d follow me to the ends of the Earth based on one action alone.

And after she’d shown me the force, I went to Kreia, to hear it, but what I heard was Atton playing pazaak, trying to protect his head.

So, I went to him and asked why he played pazaak.

“Why do I play pazaak? All right. I'll show you.” 

“Look, I don’t have the credits.” I didn’t play the game often, but I’d played it a little, and I was certain Atton would crush me.

“We're not playing for credits. We're playing for something else. Are you going to play or not?”

“This better not be using Nar Shaddaa rules.” 

“Nope, our clothes are gonna stay on.”

I blushed a little. “I would’ve expected you to jump at the chance for that.”

He almost laughed, but he held steady. “Normally, but that’s not what I’m here to do.”

He showed how he played pazaak to keep out the Jedi, and I understood. It kept me focused and away from other thoughts, away from the secrets of my soul.

“And when someone tries to use their powers on you, they’ll find it more difficult than they thought. Because you’ll be right here with me, playing pazaak, where they can’t reach you.”

His words eased me into an almost meditative state. He sat right next to me, and I laid my head on his shoulder. He prickled, but he said nothing. I stayed there, and after a moment, he put his arm around me. I let it rest, and for awhile we didn’t move.

“Atton, where did you learn to do this?” I asked.

“Nar Shadaa, Coruscant, everyone plays pazaak,” he said.

I didn’t want to pry, so I just smiled.

“Are you comfortable?”

I nodded. “I’m with you, playing pazaak.” Though I wasn’t thinking about pazaak at all, and I think he knew that.

I touched his mind, and I think he could feel it.

And for a moment, I thought he touched back. Just as he had his arm around me in reality, he had it around me in our heads, like a mirror. I could feel the force reaching out of him, his need to shield me, to protect me, but I didn’t tell him that. I didn’t push, not here.

“Same,” he said.

“Atton, do you mind if I reach for you on occasion?” I asked. “Go to your head? I’ll let you know I’m there. I don’t mean to pry, but it would be nice to escape from all this on occasion.”

“You can play pazaak with me whenever you like,” he said.

If I hadn’t had more sense than to do so, if I hadn’t wondered what he’d been hiding, if I hadn’t seen Kreia watching us, I might’ve kissed him. Instead I squeezed his hand before letting him go.

“I’ll see you later,” I said.

“Later,” he said, and I could see the glow coming off of him. It either came from the light side of the force, or it was the way I saw him in my thoughts. I couldn’t tell which.

It’d be more dangerous for my heart if I’d stayed. I could play pazaak with him whenever I wanted, but if I kept cuddling on the couch with him, my thoughts would be somewhere so enticing I couldn’t escape.

The pazaak lessons paid off. As soon as we left the ship, he and I headed to the Pazaak Den where I kicked some butt. Until I ran into a twi’lek who refused to play with me and only played with Atton.

“That was…a stimulating game,” she said.

I watched them play. It had appeared to be a normal pazaak game, but the way her eyes lingered on him made me want to stab her.

“So, did you and Dahnis have fun?” I asked.

“Who?” he said.

“The twi’lek,” I said.

“Oh her,” he said. “I’ve played better games.”

“She said your game was stimulating.”

“She’s not a very good player. I think she just wanted someone to stare at for awhile.”

“And did you want to stare back?” I asked.

“What is this? An interrogation? I didn’t even remember her name.”

I almost said that was because you’d been too busy looking down her shirt, but I hadn’t caught him doing so. She’d had enough of a neckline that I would’ve expected it.

His disbelief faded, and he laughed. “Oh. I get it. You’re jealous.”

“Of some two-bit hussy in a Pazaak Den? Never.”

“Hussy, huh? Sounds like jealousy to me.”

“Or it sounds like I don’t like your taste in women,” I said. “She was mean. She refused to play pazaak with me.”

“If you don’t like my taste in women then what about…” he trailed off.

“Then what?” I said.

“Never mind. I don’t care about her. Let me grab you a drink, and you can go kick someone else’s ass at pazaak.”

“Okay,” I said. I softened, but I doubt I would’ve done what I’d done next if I hadn’t been feeling overlooked.


	8. Ulterior Motives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile dances for Vogga the Hutt, flustering Atton in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a quest to dance in a skimpy outfit for Vogga the Hutt, and I've always wanted to write a scene where Atton gets to see the Exile in her dancer's outfit and get flustered. Next chapter is where she discovers the awful truth, so enjoy this fun stuff.

I decided to play a dangerous game in multiple ways. Vogga the Hutt had a curtain for dancers to change behind in the back, and I was putting on the dancer’s outfit there. I’d never worn anything so revealing, but the cache was going to be worth it. While I didn’t condone stealing in most cases, stealing from Vogga the Hutt didn’t seem like much of a crime. Atton stayed outside the curtain. Bao-Dur and Visas had been polite enough to leave the room. Still, I hadn’t kicked Atton out, even though I should’ve.

“Why are you in here?” I asked. “Trying to get a peek?”

“I’ve seen you half naked before,” said Atton, “and besides, I’ll be seeing plenty as soon as you come out of there. I just want to make sure no one shoots you while you’re in here.”

“Visas could’ve made sure of that,” I said.

“You want the blind girl to guard you?” he said.

“Well, I don’t think she’s likely to take a peek,” I said.

“Again, I’m not peeking.”

He couldn’t see the smile on my face.

“Are you sure dancing for a Hutt is a good idea?” asked Atton.

“Yes,” I said, “I have ulterior motives.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Stealing from a mob boss. Great idea.”

I tossed my clothes over the curtain, and they thumped to the floor. He silenced. I could imagine him staring at the heap of clothes.

“Is that all you’re concerned about?” I asked as I slipped on the tiniest outfit I’d ever worn. “We’re constantly in danger. I’m not going to be shot while I dance.”

“Hutts are scummy, slimy things,” he said. “I wouldn’t want one staring at me like that. I don’t want one staring at you like that either.”

“Staring at me like what?” I asked as I opened the curtain.

Atton froze. His gaze drifted over my body.

He stammered. “Umm, umm, like you’re a piece of meat for men to slobber over.”

“And how are you staring at me?” I asked as I grinned.

“And I thought being locked in prison was torture,” he said.

I lightly wiggled my hips. I thought he might collapse. As I returned to Vogga’s room, Bao-Dur said, “Nice outfit, General.”

I winked. “Thank you.”

Atton scowled so hard he nearly turned purple. I didn’t say anything else, but I had to look away as Atton and Vogga watched me dance, or I would’ve burst into laughter mid hip sway.


	9. The Awful Truth Leads to Enlightenment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile discovers Atton's past as a trained Jedi killer. Though she is disturbed by this and her feelings to him harden somewhat, she agrees to teach him to become a Jedi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Exile has just discovered Atton's past as a trained Jedi killer. He tells her about how he'd become a Republic soldier, and then when Revan joined the Sith, he'd followed her path, and become a Sith agent where he murdered many Jedi.

As we walked through the refugee sector, I finally found out why Atton had lost himself on Nar Shadaa. The twi’lek said, “He’s a killer.”

The words sent my heart crashing to the ground. I knew Atton had been hiding something, but this possibility was one of the darkest I could’ve imagined.  


So I asked him about it and he blamed the Jedi, and I could see the hatred for Jedi bubbling up in him, and his vitriol hit me harder than I expected. After he’d blamed us for the casualties of the war, after he’d told me of the hypocrisies of the Jedi, of how they’d let people die just for their cause, I said, “You are wrong, that is not the way of the Jedi.”

“Just leave me alone,” he said.

“Is that all you think I am?” I asked.

“No, not you,” he said. “You were one of the ones I followed. I understood you. You didn’t turn your back on us, but the Jedi did.”

“I am a Jedi, Atton,” I said. “I may have lost my skills and my force connection, but I am a Jedi.”

He turned away. “Just let me be.”

As we sat in the Ebon Hawk’s cockpit, my curiosity overtook me, and I asked him what happened, and he regaled me with a tale. A dark one of becoming so lost, so torn by war, that sides no longer had a meaning until he’d become a trained butcher. He’d killed people, people like me, people like my friends, maybe even people who were my friends.

So I told him, “To me, being a Jedi means saving as many as you can. And that’s why I went to war. That’s why I fought.”

“Again, it’s not you or people like you who made me lose sight of the Republic. It’s people like you who made me join the Sith.”

“But can someone like me show you that there can be Jedi who follow your ideals?”

“Someone already did,” he said. And he told me of a woman, not unlike myself, who wanted to save him. “I killed her because I loved her, but it wasn’t that kind of love. It was the kind of love where you’d give up everything for someone you don’t even know.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“It’s like you,” he said. “The way you are with people. The way you were willing to give up the Ebon Hawk, just because someone said they owned it. It’s sacrificing everything for something that doesn’t make sense.”

“And you killed for it?”

“In my rage, in my confusion, because I wanted to hurt her, to stop her after she showed me the universe, I killed her,” he said.

“Thank you for telling me that,” I said. I hoped I was hiding the horror in my eyes well.

“I don’t blame you if you don’t want me around after that. I’ve done a lot of horrible things. I’ve hurt a lot of people. I won’t ask you to forgive me, but I want you to know what I did, and why.”

I nodded. “I understand, Atton.”

And part of me understood him, but another part hardened to him. I needed to stop myself from falling the way I’d been. I needed to let this go anyway because I’d finally gotten close to becoming a Jedi again. I couldn’t let anything stop that. So, I tried to close off my feelings the way I’d cloistered myself as a Padawan, but I didn’t know if I truly could.

He took both of my hands and said the last thing I expected, “Teach me.”

“What?”

“I want to know the ways of the Jedi. I want to get better at protecting you.”

And after an offer like that, after my image of him had been remade, I believed I could. I wanted to show him the universe, and so we closed our eyes. I told him to feel the hum of the world around him, to see in darkness, and he listened, and I could tell he’d always felt it. The force had been calling to him just as I had been calling to him. And as we breathed in the energy, I could feel it flowing back into him, and though I couldn’t quite let go of his past yet, he’d become my student. Even though darkness once flowed through him, now when I looked at him I saw light, even under all the guilt he’d held. I’d once again attempt to ignore my heart’s quickening at his presence, for myself and him, but I knew I’d helped him become a better person or at least, a person who responded well to kindness, and to me, that would be enough, at least for now.


	10. Falling Boxes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A minor scene where the Exile trains Atton. Not an adapted scene, just a little unique one.

“So, you want me to lift a bunch of boxes with my mind?” said Atton.

“That’s the basic technique, yes,” I said.

“Shouldn’t be too hard,” he said.

“Just start by easing this one up,” I said. I gestured to the box to my left.

In one second, he lifted it up to the sky, along with six other boxes in the room.

“Impressive!” I said. “Now, ease them down.”

He shoved them all down at once and dropped three on my head. I fell to the floor.

“Whoa, are you okay?” said Atton. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He ran to me and threw the boxes out of the way. He moved his hands to my face and checked my head for bruises. I shuddered a little at the direct touch.

While it had hurt, I’d grown resilient over the past few years.

“Turns out you’re a natural,” I said as I rubbed at my head.

“But did I hurt you?” he asked.

He was looking directly into my eyes, and if I kept looking in them, I was going to lose myself in them.

I turned away. “I’m fine. A few boxes won’t kill me. I underestimated your abilities.”

He eased, and his jovial energy returned. “I’m a natural, you say? Good to hear. Next time though, I’ll make sure you’re out of the line of fire. I don’t you to get hurt.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Let’s continue, but maybe I’ll stand in the hallway.”

“I’m ready,” he said.


	11. Mobile Jedi Academy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little unique scene where Atton discovers that the Exile is training Bao-Dur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happens after the Exile trains Bao-Dur to be a Jedi.

After Atton’s studies had been going so well, I decided to teach Bao-Dur. He, like Atton, didn’t follow the force quite the way I did. I focused on my abilities mostly, but Bao-Dur channeled it into combat. Atton had a more of a balanced view of it. The force didn’t come as easily to Bao-Dur as it had to Atton, but he still learned quickly. Of course, Atton pouted when he discovered he wasn’t the only student.

“You training everyone to be a Jedi?” asked Atton.

“Why not?” I said.

“I thought I was unique,” said Atton, teasing, “but I’m just the beginning of your mobile Jedi academy.”

“Can’t handle another force user?” said Bao-Dur.

“I can handle it, but we’ll have to see if you can keep up,” said Atton. “I was a natural, if I recall.”

Bao-Dur was almost as strong, but I didn’t tell Atton that.

“I’m not getting involved in who’s better,” I said. “I didn’t plan on training Bao-Dur, but when he seemed to have an affinity like you, I offered.”

“Alright,” said Atton. “We starting a new Jedi club?”

“I guess we are,” I said. “I’m teaching Bao-Dur some lessons you’ve already learned. Keep me posted if anything happens to the ship.”

“Will do,” said Atton, and he left the cargo hold.

“He’s jealous,” said Bao-Dur.

“Jealous of you?” I asked.

“I don’t think he’s jealous of me, just jealous of the loss of attention,” said Bao-Dur. “Did something happen with you two?”

“He told me of his past, and while I forgive him, it’s a lot to take in,” I said.

Bao-Dur eased down his vibrosword with the force. “We’ve all done terrible things, General. Don’t let that ruin your outlook on a person.”

“I won’t,” I said. “I just need some space. At least when we’re not training.”

“I understand,” said Bao-Dur.


	12. Careful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short scene where the Exile tells Atton to be careful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Exile gets invited to go to the Jek Jek Tarr alone to meet an exchange boss who is connected to the bounty on her head. Before she does, Atton stops to tell her to be careful. This scene is right after that.

Like I’d said, I kept my distance from Atton for a little while. I was still training him, but I hadn’t been taking him along so much when I’d been running around Nar Shadaa. Visas and Bao-Dur made good company, anyway. So I hadn’t expected him to chase after me as I was running into the trap on the Jek Jek Tarr, just to tell me to be careful.

I said, “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

“Why would I do anything stupid?” he asked. “You think I’m a fool like Kreia does?”

“No, never,” I said.

He smiled.

“I said be careful because if I’m in there, I don’t want them to hurt you out here,” I said. “Be safe.”

“I’m going to do some reconnaissance in the cantina,” he said.

“Bring energy shields,” I said, “and don’t forget what I’ve taught you.”

“I never will,” he said.

I headed into the docks, and my heart started pounding again. I didn’t want to care about him quite the way I did, but I didn’t think I could stop, despite what he’d done.


	13. Reaching out for Rescuers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton and Bao-Dur rescue the Exile from Goto's ship. The Exile reaches out with the force to tell them where she is, and she hugs both of them when they reach her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Switched to rich text format because I use italics in this story. For information, in the Nar Shadaa plot, the Exile gets trapped on Goto(could also be spelled the droid way G0-T0)'s ship after going into the Jek Jek Tarr to discuss her bounty with Visquis. The other party members come in and rescue her. In this case, Atton and Bao-Dur come to her side.

After all that trouble I went through to meet Visquis in the Jek Jek Tarr and sort out the bounty after me, I’d gotten trapped on Goto’s ship. I considered fighting my way out, but I’d been told my companions had boarded the ship. I thought about how Kreia contacted me so often, about listening to the sound of the ship, and I wondered if I could send them a message.

I found their minds easily. Both came through like firecrackers.

Atton had only the battle on his mind. His thoughts consisted of, “ _Fucking droids. I need to save her. If they’ve done her any harm, I’ll twist their gears out._ ”

And Bao-Dur still thought of Malachor even amidst the fire. I didn’t get a direct statement from him, just another thought of the war, another image of battle. He seemed to think of the war, machines, and little else.

I tried to reach out through the force, to send a piece of me to them. I willed my thoughts to travel through the ship and I sent, _Atton, I’m in the audience chamber._

He didn’t seem surprised. _Great. Coming to find you._

A few minutes later the two of them came rushing through the door, and I couldn’t stop myself from hugging Atton. He didn’t accept the hug immediately. He prickled at the touch, but then he held me.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” I said.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” said Atton.

I still held him.

“Am I interrupting anything?” asked Bao-Dur.

“Not at all,” I said. I released Atton and gave Bao-Dur a huge hug.

“Good to see you in one piece, General,” he said. “Don’t make getting kidnapped a habit.”

“Yeah, how many times are we going to have to rescue you?” asked Atton.

He was eyeing Bao-Dur strangely. I couldn’t tell if he was feeling jealous of Bao-Dur or if he’d just hoped the hug was just for him. Either way, I didn’t want him to think he was more special to me than the others.


	14. I Thought the General was Your Favorite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton hits on the Twin Suns on G0-T0's ship. The Exile gets very jealous. They escape the ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a line on Goto's ship after Atton fights the Twin Suns about him wanting to mate with scruffy humans. I always wanted to say, "Atton, I thought I was your favorite," but of course I've never had the opportunity. The Exile's actions here border on dark side actions, and I point that out, but I'm hoping it doesn't come off as out of character.

And that specialness went out the window when we saw the Twin Suns. Two stunning, yet creepy, twi’lek assasins that Atton left alive. The moment Atton told the Twin Suns that he was hoping their needs included mating with scruffy humans, I almost punched something.

“I thought the General was your favorite,” said Bao-Dur.

My glare bore into the twi’leks and Atton. I swear I saw Atton smile when he saw the look in my eyes, but I could’ve been wrong. I released my feelings out in a show of force power, and I killed the Twin Suns in seconds.

“Why did you save them?” I asked. I tried to remind myself of the Jedi Code. I whispered to myself, _There is no emotion..._ It wasn’t working, but I was trying to keep myself sane. I knew the anger was showing through me, but I was trying to keep it out of my words.

“I wanted to do something more like you would,” said Atton. “You keep lots of people alive.”

“How many people came after you after I was captured?” I said.

“A lot,” said Atton.

“How many people did you leave alive?” I asked.

He paused and said, “Just those two, but we were in a public place. They came after me in the Pazaak Den.”

“Of all the people after me, the only two you left alive were the pretty twi’leks,” I said. “Stop thinking with your dick first or we’ll all get killed.”

I needed to calm myself. This kind of thinking led to the dark side. To be honest, I wasn’t mad that he’d left them alive. I might’ve done the same, but how he spoke to them enraged me.

“So I should kill everyone who comes after us?” said Atton.

“No,” I said. “Just save more, and don’t save someone because of your dick. Save someone out of goodness, not lust.”

“What’s the difference?” asked Atton.

“The difference is no matter what happened, these two were still going to come after us,” I said. “You saved two assassins, not two innocents.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Am I jealous? You should’ve seen yourself when I made Bao-Dur a—”

“I’m not getting involved,” said Bao-Dur.

I eased. I shouldn’t have been doing this. “I’m sorry. Leaving them alive wasn’t the wrong choice. I am out of sorts at the moment. I’ve had a long day, and I’ve been kidnapped, and I was thrown off guard by your rapport with those two.”

I needed to stop. These feelings led to the dark side. I couldn’t let them continue.

“It’s alright,” said Atton. He took a breath. “I didn’t mean to upset you or endanger us.”

“It’s my fault,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“General, the ship is still going to blow up,” said Bao-Dur.

“Right,” I said. “Let’s get moving.”

Bao-Dur gave Atton a look and shook his head. Atton was smiling. He might’ve even been happy about my unfounded jealousy. I had to remind myself what kind of man he’d been and the darkness that could consume me if I didn’t keep my feelings in check.


	15. Hooked Up a Power Coupling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira asks the Exile about her aura, and the discussion turns to the Exile's feelings towards Atton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an addendum to a scene where Mira asks the Exile about the force aura that surrounds her. She asks if Atton and the Exile have had sex, and I added a couple extra responses. Mira has joined the party after guiding the others to Goto's ship and going to the Jek Jek Tarr in the Exile's place.

Mira and I hadn’t interacted much. She gassed me and went to the Jek Jek Tarr in my place, but I didn’t know much about her. To get to know her better, I started asking her questions, and our discussion started with her background, and as she grew more receptive, she asked me about the glowing force aura that surrounded me.

“For a second I thought you and Atton had you know, hooked up a power coupling,” said Mira.

I froze. I didn’t think it was that obvious. Hopefully, this was just a display of force energy. I said, “I care about Atton, but I can’t allow myself to form attachments now.”

“Got it,” said Mira. “Just checking.”

Still, I think she could see the look on my face.

“Are you okay?” said Mira.

“Fine,” I said. “I’m a little annoyed with Atton at the moment, and I’m hoping my preference for his company isn’t too obvious.”

“You want me to shoot him for you?” asked Mira.

“Maybe later,” I said. “He said something to the Twin Suns, and I behaved jealously. I killed the Twin Suns in anger. I almost touched the dark side.”

“Killing the Twin Suns isn’t going to bring you to the dark side,” said Mira. “I almost killed them, and I only met them twice. Besides, acting a little jealous isn’t going to lead you to the dark side, but maybe you and Atton do need to hook up a power coupling. If you’ve got him to yourself, you have no reason to be jealous.”

“I doubt it would help. Jedi have to be careful with relationships, and ones formed in times of crisis aren’t always wise.”

“Well, you seem wise now,” said Mira. “Don’t let him get you down, and I can shoot him if you need me to.”

I smiled. “We’ll see.”


	16. Glowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile confronts Kreia about zapping T3-M4. Kreia tells her to stay away from Atton. The Exile talks to Atton and trains him to see through the force.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a short cut scene in the game where Kreia hits T3-M4 with a shock spell, and he falls down. At least in the cut content version, you can briefly talk to her about it, but that's the extent of it. There's some focus on that and the rest is a scene where the Exile trains Atton to see through the force.
> 
> Also, yes, I know the irony of Kreia only calling the Exile the Exile when I'm doing the same. I'll bring up her name as the canon name, Meetra Surik, once, but I'm not attached to a particular name for the Exile. You may mentally fill in your preferred Exile name if you wish. Also, for my own Exile in the game, I chose the dialogue that said she didn't regret going to war because of the people she saved, and so does the Exile in the piece.
> 
> Thoughts on the dark side and light side and why Atton appears as he does:  
> Now, my own opinion of dark side and light side is complicated. In game, Atton turns haloey light once the Exile reaches max light side and gets max Atton influence. I'm inclined to think that due to Atton's previous actions and how much he appreciates light side actions, that by the time the game starts, he's more inclined towards the light side, even after the horrible things he did. I'm also inclined to think that the way dark side corrupts works differently than morality in the real world, mostly due to Bastila's fast corruption at the end of the first game, and Revan's own corruption. Atton makes it clear that he followed Revan, and those who followed Revan turned to the dark side. This isn't to say that Atton's past is okay, and that's one of the real struggles for the Exile throughout the piece. If you'd rather ignore my ranting, that's fine, and I encourage your own interpretation, but that's why I have Atton appearing as max light side through the Exile's eyes.

On our way out of Nar Shadaa, I found T3 on the ground. It wasn’t extensive, but he’d been damaged. Something had hit him with a blast of electricity. After rebooting him, I asked him, “What happened?”

“Dee Dee Deet,” he said.

“Kreia?” I said.

“Dwooo,” said T3.

“That’s horrible,” I said. “I’ll go talk to her.”

As I expected, Kreia didn’t apologize for her actions. She seemed to think she’d defended me somehow.

“Please don’t hurt T3 again,” I said. “I don’t want my allies getting zapped.”

“It is only a machine,” she said.

“He is a friend.”

“Even so, if it betrays you again, it will suffer the consequences.”

I sighed. I couldn’t get through to her, and I couldn’t act against her. “Just try to be nice and talk to me before you zap someone.”

I was starting to walk out the door, but she stopped me. She said, “Exile?”

That was all she ever called me. I couldn’t tell if I was ever entirely human to her.

“Yes, Kreia?” I asked.

“I’ve heard about you and the fool misbehaving,” she said. “He is beneath you. Do not let his comments deter your goals.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s bringing out a part of you that’s dangerous. You should not let his feelings influence you so.”

I paused.

“And you know his feelings?”

“He is a being of base emotions. You should not be guided by them as well. Let him be. He will never be what you need.”

“What do you think I need?”

“To forget him.”

My heart panged, but I tried to not let my feelings show. I left the room and went straight to Atton. He was sitting in the pilot chair as usual. He turned his chair around to face me.

“Atton, I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s alright,” he said. “You don’t need to worry about it. I’ll stop hitting on twi’leks around you, but I make no promises about other women.”

I rolled my eyes. “I shouldn’t have behaved that way.”

“I get it, I caught you off guard,” he said. “You’re a Jedi. You’re not around the kind of thing too often.”

He was assuming something wrongly, but I didn’t correct him. “Atton, I need to ask you about something.”

“Sure,” he said.

“Kreia often reaches out to me when I’m away from her, and I was wondering if we could do that, too,” I said. “I would be in your head—”

“I already told you that you could play Pazaak with me whenever you want,” he said.

“I know, but this would be at a distance,” I said. “I was wondering about using the force as a communication network. Like when I called out to you on Goto’s ship.”

“Are you doing this with Visas and Bao-Dur, too?” he asked. “And Mira if you decide she gets to be a Jedi?”

“Yes,” I said, “but you’re the only one who has expressed issues with touching minds.”

“Alright, but just with you. I don’t want them inside my head. And especially not that witch.”

“That will be fine. I don’t want Kreia inside your head either.”

“You don’t?” said Atton. He blinked.

“No, she hates you. I don’t even want her in my head sometimes. She doesn’t like it when I help people.”

“Are you saying you don’t trust her?”

“In your head, no.”

“What about in your head?”

I paused. In my mind, I reached out to Atton. I said, _There’s a reason I’ve been keeping her on the ship lately._

 _Anything specific or is it her general bitchiness?_ He responded quickly. Reaching out for him must’ve been as easy as extending a hand.

_She hurt T3._

_The trash compacter? He may cheat at Pazaak, but he doesn’t deserve that._

_I’m worried she’s going to hurt you or someone else, but I have to keep her around. She is teaching me, and if she dies, I die._

_Then I’ll make sure nothing happens to either of you._ The image in his head turned to one of him holding me. I accepted the hug in my head, but I stepped back in reality. The image faded when he saw the torn look on my face.

“You alright?” he asked.

“Fine,” I said. “We should continue training. There was a technique I wanted to teach you.”

“Alright. Show me.”

I led him to the cargo hold. With Visas’s help, I learned to see through the force, and the force showed me a person’s character. He sat on the floor of the cargo hold with me. His legs were crossed in standard meditation pose. Our fingers could’ve touched, but almost touching made it easier to think of moving something through the force, of using the air around us.

As I guided him through the motions, both in my head and aloud, I said, “Now, see.”

I hadn’t seen Atton through the force in some time. I’d seen him as a light blue when I’d first learned. He’d been embracing the light side before, but now, as I saw him through the force, he glowed so blue, it might’ve left spots in my eyes.

“Wow,” both Atton and I said at the same time.

“You look like someone put a blue spotlight on you,” he said.

“You do too,” I said. “The color’s based on how much someone’s embraced the light side of the force.”

“Bullshit,” he said. “There’s no way I’m that bright.

I had expected my own glow to have faded after my jealous actions. I looked down at my palm, and sure enough, I looked startlingly blue. Maybe the force allowed for past misdeeds.

“You do too,” I said. “Look at your own hand.”

“It must be some mistake,” he said.

“It’s not,” I said.

“Whatever. Some Jedi trick.”

The fear I’d held about his past began to melt away. Maybe Atton had stopped being the murderer a long time ago, even if he never stopped atoning, or at least hating the person he’d once been.

The image faded, and though his face no longer glowed blue, it seemed to glow with something else. “Regardless, you’re doing an amazing job, Atton.”

“Thanks for the lesson in color vision.”

I hadn’t convinced him of anything, but I’d shown myself something. Still, I wondered about something.

“Atton?” I said.

“Yeah?” he said as he rose from the floor.

“I know you’re warming up to the Jedi, but can you forgive those who did not fight? They were peacemakers. They had the power, but they didn’t want to use it against others.

“I don’t know,” said Atton. “It’s selfish to leave regular people to die when you have all that power.”

“But many didn’t have real combat experience. Many were basically monks, focused on protecting life without fighting.”

He shrugged. “I can understand not wanting to be a soldier, but actively forbidding other people from fighting when they can defend the galaxy is wrong.”

“I agree.” I felt guilty about the wars on occasion, but I thought I made the right choice.

“If it had been about some wanting to stay behind, it would’ve been fair, but they didn’t let you go. You were the only one to come back, and they exiled you. And that was after they refused to tell you that you’d lost your force connection. I told you I don’t blame Jedi like you. I’m not even sure about Jedi who stayed behind who wanted to go, but the Jedi Council are fucked up for forbidding it.”

I hadn’t thought about it quite that way. “But were they right? Revan came back corrupted, and when she’d been corrupted, most followed her.”

“Then what kind of galaxy would we have left?” he said. “One run by Mandalorians. If Revan hadn’t joined, I’d be dead.”

He offered a hand to help me to my feet. I took it, and we shared a brief gaze.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” I said.

“Maybe one day I’ll be glad to be alive, too.”

I frowned. I expected a funny response, not a somber one. Hearing him describe his hatred for himself felt pained me. “Don’t say that. I’m glad you’re here, and I mean it.  You’re incredibly helpful, and I appreciate your company.”

“Well…thanks, but you don’t need me. I’m just here to crack wise and shoot guys.”

“We need you to fly the ship. Or crash it, as the circumstances have shown.”

“Hey, that’s only happened a couple times.”

I snorted, but I composed myself when I saw the seriousness in his eyes.

“Still, you told me back on Telos that I didn’t have to stay,” he said.

“Because I wasn’t sure if you wanted to.”

“I told you I was here to protect you, and I stand by that. Doesn’t mean you couldn’t live without me. But you would be incredibly bored if I wasn’t here to entertain you.”

“You’re right,” I said, and I was holding back a smile. “Who else would express disappointment whenever I found clothing?”

He turned his head so he wasn’t meeting my eyes. “I was in a prison cell for days. You’re a lot easier on the eyes than an energy field.”

“That’s a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard one. I thought you might think I was special, but I’ve recently become quite aware of your flirtatious nature with all women. Particularly twi’leks.”

“Had to bring that up. I told you an hour ago, I’ll stop hitting on twi’leks. You gonna let it go?”

“No. Not as long as I can tease you for it.”

“Tease all you want. Maybe that’s why I’m here. So you have someone to tease in your off time.”

“You’re here for a lot of reasons. Though I’m not sure if you know what all of them are.”

“Eh, I think I’ve figured most of them out. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving anytime soon. I’ve got to keep learning all this Jedi stuff anyway.”

I hoped I was one of the reasons he stayed. I didn’t expect him to leave, not after he’d told me about his past. And I hadn’t been lying when I said I appreciated his company.


	17. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton and Mira ask the Exile about her past on Dantooine, and they discuss how they feel about the Ebon Hawk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you take Atton to Khoonda with you, he briefly asks if you really used to live there. I extended the scene and added some dialogue from Mira. This is after Mira's become a Jedi, and I meant to imply that it happened right before they left Nar Shadaa.

After we got to Dantooine, I decided to keep Atton around more. I decided regardless of what he’d done, I enjoyed his companionship. He made me laugh more than anyone else on the ship. Except maybe HK-47, but I feared he’d murder someone if I didn’t keep an eye on him.

So, when we reached Khoonda, I saw the bombardment of my home. I could feel the wound the Jedi Civil War had left.

Atton asked me, “Did you really used to live here?”

“Yes,” I said, “but I don’t get the same energy here that I used to.”

“What was it like?” he asked.

I motioned for him and Mira to move away from prying ears. I’d holstered my lightsabers, and I’d been glad they couldn’t see them under my armor.

“Peaceful,” I said. “It had a homey feel about it. The Jedi were everywhere, so it was easy to connect to force energy everywhere.”

“Kind of like on the ship nowadays,” said Atton. “Case in point.” He gestured to Mira.

“She convinced me to try the Jedi thing out,” said Mira. “It’s not so bad.”

“She didn’t have to convince me,” said Atton. “I asked her to teach me.”

“Well, not all of us watch her like a hungry rancor,” said Mira.

I blushed.

“Hey—”

“No need to argue,” I said. “You’re both doing excellent in your training. And being on the ship does have some remnant of how being on Dantooine used to feel. The Ebon Hawk’s become home, and it’s always had an energy to it. It’s more cramped and crowded, but it’s a comparable feeling.”

“I told you, it’ll be the first mobile Jedi academy,” said Atton.

“I wouldn’t mind that,” I said.

“Completely surrounded by Jedi,” said Atton. “What are we going to do with a ship full of them?”

“Be the best Jedi Academy in the galaxy by default?” I said.

“I guess so,” said Atton. “Unless somebody else builds a better one.”

We made our way into the settlement. The deadened energy of a once lively plain surrounded me, and I felt nostalgic for the simpler life I'd lived as a young Jedi, though I was starting to enjoy my current, dangerous life where I traveled across the stars.


	18. Too Many Jedi on Board

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile meets the Disciple/Mical, and he becomes a Jedi immediately. Atton is jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter today. This isn't one of the specific Atton is jealous scenes, but this is Mical/the Disciple's introduction. So, Mical is joining the party. Now, I don't hate Mical, but in this particular fic, the Exile isn't interested in him romantically and she has a habit of not taking him with her in most areas. He acts a bit naively in some of the later scenes, but he's very respectful to both the Exile and Atton, and he acts kindly towards them both. I make fun of his catch phrase, but to be honest, lots of the catch phrases are pretty silly after awhile. I do also later joke about "Pure Pazaak" but in a more endearing sense.
> 
> In the actual game, I wish he had a larger character arc, and I honestly think Bao-Dur would've been better secondary love interest, but I don't hate him. I tried to play a round of KOTOR 2 without him and with the Handmaiden/Brianna, and I couldn't get through it, partially because I accidentally hit the Handmaiden/Brianna refuses to talk to me button. Note the absence of Handmaiden/Brianna. I've heard great things about her character, mind you. I just accidentally caused her to hate me forever. I do mention her at least once later on in the fic, but if you're wondering where she is, that's where.

We opened the door to the Jedi Archives, and a young man bowed at us. His hair was as blonde as sunlight, and his rather round face looked familiar, but I couldn’t place it. I almost laughed at the bow, but I decided to be polite.

“Ah, I see you’re a gentleman,” I said.

Atton stiffened when I called him that.

After he offered to join us, Atton scowled. “Another one.”

Atton seemed more annoyed than when I’d asked Bao-Dur to join. He’d accepted Mira relatively quickly, and he hadn’t even been upset when I’d asked Visas, a former Sith to join. This man seemed excited to join, and I was always happy to welcome new crewmembers. I couldn’t understand Atton’s annoyance.

“He’s easy on the eyes at least,” said Mira.

If that was Mira’s type, then she could have him. This man looked far too young for me, and I much preferred Atton’s features, but he might be a good pupil.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“You may call me Disciple,” he said.

“Can I call you by your actual name instead?” I asked.

“Maybe,” he said. “Give me some time.”

It didn’t take much time. It hardly took any, in fact. I’d discovered in seconds that he was a former Jedi pupil, and he’d been eager to learn. I’d taught him when he was young, well, younger. As soon as he saw me, he was eager to begin again, and so, I’d only had two conversations with him before I decided I should train him in the force. I could use another Jedi with me. Of course, Atton bristled at this, more than he usually bristled when I trained someone else. Of course, after I trained him, Mical as he told me, didn’t have so many scruples about me calling him by his name.

I asked Atton shortly after recruiting Mical, “Do you have an issue with him?”

“Nah, just too many Jedi on board, y’know.”

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“I’m sure,” said Atton.

Still, I acted how I usually did, and I traveled with Atton often, and I was still training with Mical, so I kept him on the ship the majority of the time. It didn’t help that the phrase he used in combat, “You’ve left me an opening,” tended to break my focus. I had other things to focus on during my tenure on Dantooine.


	19. Let's Just Accomplish Our Mission First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile does something kind, and when Atton pretends that he dislikes it, she asks him why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the game, Atton responds well to most light side actions (influence goes up), but then he acts like he doesn't like them. It's honestly hilarious, but here the Exile calls him out on it. They're talking to the merchant on Dantooine who's messing with droids to help pay for his brother's pregnant wife. Pretty much everyone with any hint of light side preference responds well to you helping him.
> 
> By this point, the Exile has forgiven Atton, and she's become a bit more accepting of her feelings. Again, I'm not saying it's black and white he's good or bad, but I still take the Star Wars' universe use of the dark side and the level at which it corrupts into account as well as the game mechanics. But at the very least, the Exile doesn't think he's a bad person anymore, and she lets him know.
> 
> Also: Bao-Dur ships it harder than the rest of the crew. Since the Exile discussed her feelings for Atton with him, he's very much on board.

After I’d been kind to poor Akkere, the desperate Sullustan merchant at Khoonda, Atton whispered to me, “Let’s just accomplish our mission first and then worry about everyone else.”

But I could see the smile on his face, and the force energy that emanated from him felt positive, enriching.

“Why do you think you need to act like you’re a bad person?” I asked.

“What?” he said. “You want me to be a better person, like poster boy?”

“No,” I said. “Every time I do something nice, you appreciate it, you like it, but you tell me not to do it anymore. Do you want me to think you’re not a good person?”

His smile faded. “I’m not a good person, and don’t go pretending I am.”

“No, you weren’t a good person. You did a lot of terrible things, and you realize that, and now, you want to be a better person. You behave like a good person now. Do you think I can’t see that? You’ve atoned. Even your name means atonement.”

“You think I’m a good person?” he said.

I nodded. Since I’d met him, he’d protected me, he’d watched over me, and by this point, I could see that kindness made him smile while he disliked cruelty.

“Well, you’re wrong,” he said, “but it’s nice that you think I’m a good guy.”

“Oh, so you admit that you like it when I help people?” I asked.

“You still don’t have to act like a goody-two-shoes all the time.”

“You like it, and you know it.”

He rolled his eyes, but he still smiled at me.

Visas and Bao-Dur had been glancing at each other during my conversation with Atton. Bao-Dur was grinning almost as hard as Atton, but Visas seemed pensive. I peeked into their mind. I made sure they knew I could hear their thoughts so I wasn’t prying.

_It just makes him like you even more, he just doesn’t want to admit it,_ thought Bao-Dur.

Visas gave me a different impression. _He sees that you will act in ways that he thinks he cannot, and it reminds him of his own guilt._

_Give him a chance to act on his own,_ I thought back. _He might surprise you._

_I see the good in him, and I also see that he cannot see the good in himself,_ thought Visas.

I nodded. She had a point there, but maybe with time, he could see it. I wished he could see how much I enjoyed his happiness when I’d impressed him with kindness, but he thought his past overshadowed any good he could do in the present.


	20. A Result of Meditation Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile sees Atton and Mira talking while she is meditating with Mical. She discusses her thoughts on Atton with Mira, and she plays mental Pazaak with Atton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a scene in the game where Atton and Mira discuss some jealousy on Atton's part, or meditation envy as Mira puts it. There's also a brief scene before that (that doesn't usually come up for me due to my high Atton influence) where Atton tells Mical to stop playing hero. This scene is a result of both of those, and it's also where Mira starts to accept that the Exile's feelings for Atton are genuine.
> 
> Again, it's not really meant to be Mical negative, but this Exile isn't interested in Mical in that fashion.

Awhile later, I was practicing meditating with Mical. He had a different method than Atton or most of the Jedi I knew. It wasn’t a matter of using a menial distraction like Atton but rather a matter of practically sleeping while awake. It was embracing the calm flow of the world, of the force, rather than hiding from prying eyes. Still, I found myself stirring. I couldn’t help but notice that someone was watching me. I saw Atton speaking with Mira briefly. I didn’t want to pry on them, but my curiosity caused me to watch them. Atton kept his gaze on me even after Mira left, and he was hanging his head. He left, but he seemed to be in a huff. I rose.

“Something wrong?” asked Mical.

“Atton seems worried about something,” I said.

“Yes, he hasn’t given me the warmest welcome,” said Mical.

“Did he say anything to you?” I asked.

“Only that he wants me to stop playing hero,” said Mical.

“Stop playing hero?” I said. “But you’re not playing at anything.”

“I know, but I’m not sure he knows that.”

“He’s usually not a bad guy. I don’t under…” I thought of myself and the twi’leks. For me, a scantily clad, mysterious fighter intimidated me. Maybe Atton feared Mical because he seemed purely good and innocent.

“I believe he has developed feelings for you,” said Mical.

“I’m aware.”

“You are?” I couldn’t tell if he could read the look on my face. Not everyone could. I hoped Mical didn’t think that despite our short time together that I had feelings for him. I liked Mical, but not in the way I liked Atton.

“Yes,” I said. “I’ve known for quite some time. He doesn’t hide it well.”

“What do you think about it?” he asked.

“I’m trying to become the Jedi I once was, and I’d prefer to keep my relationships platonic, but I don’t know how long that will continue.”

“I understand,” said Mical.

I wasn’t certain if he did, but I didn’t want to break his heart. I told him, “I’ll be back later. There’s something I need to take care of.”

I stopped to talk to Mira before I did anything else. “Did you say something to Atton?”

“Yeah, you were hanging out with pretty boy, and Atton was acting like a creep, so I told him to shove off.”

“You know that I…” I drifted off not because she interrupted me, but because I didn’t want to say my feelings aloud.

“I know, but are you sure you should? He’s not good for you. Pretty boy might be a better option. Plus, he smells better.”

“I don’t think it’s the same. Atton makes me laugh. Atton makes me jealous. Mical is my friend and my student, but he’s not someone I see in a romantic light. He’s too pure. He’s like a loyal tauntaun. I don’t think I could talk with him about many of the hardships I’ve faced.”

“So, you’re not just lusting after Atton the way he’s lusting after you?” asked Mira.

“I don’t think he’s simply lusting after me.”

Mira studied my face. I think she saw something in my eyes, something that I almost whispered but wouldn’t dare say about how I felt.

She said, “I’ll lay off him. And if the disciple comes to me, I’ll tell him that you want someone else.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Hey, I will,” she said. “I don’t know what you see in Atton, but it’s obviously a lot. I can tell he’s driving you crazy.”

I nodded. I needed to find Atton. I didn’t want him to feel the way I’d felt when we’d met the Twin Suns. Although the fact that Mical’s presence filled him with jealousy made it even more clear that Atton cared for me, I didn’t want him to feel alone.

I left the room. I found my bedroom and sat there. I reached for Atton, and I found him playing Pazaak with himself.

_Atton?_

As I reached for him, I could tell he was trying to block an emotion from me, but I couldn’t tell which one. _Yeah?_

_Can we play Pazaak? Here in our heads?_

_Yeah, sure. We haven’t played in awhile._

As we eased into a pattern, I wondered if he could detect my feelings slipping through my thoughts, even as I counted. Still, the game ended too soon.

_Thank you._

_Anytime._

_Atton?_

_Yeah?_

_I’m always here if you want to talk to me._

_I know._

He imagined holding me again, and I imagined the same, but I didn’t dare walk into the cockpit. I feared what I’d do.


	21. Caught Staring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mira calls out the Exile for staring at Atton's ass. Just a cute unique scene.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geeda's the merchant who gets upgraded stuff over time on Nar Shadaa. I briefly mentioned her.

We’d gone back to Nar Shadaa to talk to Geeda. Mira had also been feeling a bit homesick. We’d forgotten to clear an abandoned warehouse when I’d first visited, so Atton, Bao-Dur, and I were sneaking in.

Atton leaned over the door, giving me a perfectly luscious view of his round butt. I always smiled because I could hear his raw joy whenever he said, “Pure pazaak.”

Unfortunately, Mira caught me staring and tapped me with her blaster rifle.

I blinked at her.

“Is there a reason he takes care of most locks?” asked Mira.

“He’s good with locks,” I said.

“So am I,” said Mira. “So is Bao-Dur.”

“Why does everyone involve me in this?” asked Bao-Dur.

“Because you’re there,” said Mira. “And you know what’s happening. You know every time he looks at her, especially when she’s bent over a workbench, he’s salivating, and whenever she asks him to pick a lock, she’s staring at his ass like she wants to bite it.”

Atton turned to me, intrigued.

“I wasn’t staring at his butt,” I said. “I like hearing him say pure Pazaak. He always sounds excited.”

“And you were staring at his ass,” said Mira.

“I wasn’t. I was glancing in his general direction.”

 _Yes, you were,_ said Mira inside my head.

 _You were, General,_ said Bao-Dur.

 _Were you?_ asked Atton.

The others couldn’t creep directly into my thoughts. I’d learned to shield my mind well enough that not even Kreia could see exactly what I was thinking unless I let her. I had also learned to talk my way out of every situation I encountered, and I knew how to keep my face from betraying my actual feelings.

“I would never,” I said.

_Liar._

_General, we know._

Atton didn’t say anything. He just looked back at me. I didn’t try to read his thoughts, but I could read his expression. He’d figured it was just a fluke.

So I gave in, just a little. I told him, _I lied._

_You what?_

_I was, in fact, a bit distracted by your posterior. But don’t let it go to your head. You just have a nice backside._

_So do you._

_No need to discuss it further._

_Sure._

He winked at me. I shook my head and turned away. I desperately needed to regain some self-control, but I didn’t know if that was going to be possible.


	22. I've Still Got Repairs to Finish Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile offers to help Atton with repairs, and he hits on her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the game, you cannot take Atton with you once you get to Dxun, and by extension, the early part of Onderon. "I know, you're crushed." You crash land, and Atton spends the whole time repairing the ship even though the force doesn't let it get repaired until after you get back from Onderon trip 1.
> 
> This is actually an extension of one of my favorite scenes in the game. I can't find a clip of it anywhere, but if you got back to the Ebon Hawk a lot during your time on Dxun, Atton will straight up tell you the access hatch line. You cannot respond with a flirtatious response, so I went with hurry up with the repairs. I've always imagined this scene ending with her kissing him on the cheek, and that's partly because in the game, he gives her a longing look as she leaves. It's pretty sweet, honestly.
> 
> Again, she's noting her lack of feelings for Mical, which I'm hoping I'm not overemphasizing.

When we crash landed on Dxun, I wasn’t looking forward to Atton being stuck on the ship. I would’ve liked to have him with me. I’d grown accustomed to him as part of my regular entourage. I was leaving some of the others on the ship with him. This included Mical, who I knew he’d grown jealous of, and Kreia, who I knew despised him. I sort of wanted to show that their company wasn’t preferential to his, but I thought he might resent it anyway. Atton still had T3 on board as a Pazaak partner, and Visas as a sparring partner, so I wasn’t leaving him in entirely terrible company.

I had an excuse for leaving Mical. He was studying some kind of pattern using the navicomputer, but secretly, that wasn’t the only reason I left him behind. Leaving him behind meant I didn’t have to feel guilty about not returning his feelings.

Still, partly because of how much I enjoyed Atton’s presence and partly because I kept leaving my equipment on the ship, I kept exploring the jungle and coming back to the Ebon Hawk. After several bouts of going into the jungle and coming back to the ship, Atton noticed.

“Umm, I’ve still got repairs to finish up,” said Atton.

 “Are you sure you have to stay?” I asked. “Kreia thinks the force led us here, and we’re not getting it fixed till we have to leave. I could have Bao-Dur and T3 take a look. They’re incredible with repairs.”

 “I’ve got it handled,” he said. “Besides, you don’t need me out there. You can just force wave everyone you meet into the ground.”

I nodded. I appreciated the covering fire he provided. When I had more lightsabers I planned to teach him, but we only had a few at the moment. The melee fighters needed them more than him and Mira.

“Can I help with the repairs?” I asked.

“It’s nothing too complicated,” he said. “It’ll just take awhile.” His voice lowered into a suggestive lilt. “Unless you want to be crammed in an access hatch with me for a day or two.”

I flushed. My thoughts immediately went to us crowded in the access hatch on top of each other, passionately kissing, feeling each other’s skin, doing everything other than fixing the ship. If I were crammed in an access hatch with him for a day or two, they would cease being thoughts.

But in that moment, I decided to do something a little brave. I stepped closer to him. In a rush of emotions that the force couldn’t hold back, I kissed him on the cheek. He stared, but otherwise, he didn’t move.

It was safer for me not to comment directly on what he said or point out what I’d done. “Hurry up with the repairs – we may need to leave quickly.”

He didn’t say anything, but my heart pounded as he watched me leave.


	23. Crushed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very short Dxun scene after Atton tries to talk to her on the coms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just something little and cute. I'm trying to emphasize some of the mental communication because it becomes important later.

Atton sent me a message as we were going through the jungle. “I have to turn off sensors. You’ll have to do without me for awhile. I know. You’re crushed.”

I laughed. It was harder for me to reach for him from this distance, but I wanted to make the attempt anyway. I barely got it through.

_Don’t I seem crushed?_ I asked him through our heads. I didn’t know how clearly my words reached him. _If you need, you can try to contact me this way._

It took him a moment to reply, I think he was trying to figure out how to connect with me, but the distance was making it difficult. _Can’t quite reach you. I can give it a shot, but you know the Jedi head thing’s harder for me than you and Kreia. Keep me posted if you can._

_Why? You worried about me?_

_Considering the kind of trouble you get into, always. Be careful out there._

I grinned. _Will do._       

Before I left his head, I could see the image of me kissing his cheek in his thoughts, and I tried to send the image back to him as well, but I couldn’t tell if he caught it. I was starting to accept that I wasn’t going to be able to hide my feelings.


	24. A Discussion of Parallels with Man-Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile discusses parallels between her mission and Revan's with Mandalore/Canderous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this one's clearly for KOTOR 1 fans. Just so we're clear, Revan is a female who dated Carth in this fic. In the cut content mod, Mandalore/Canderous mentions that he used to travel with Revan, but it's not brought up again. T3 shows a clip that proves he and Canderous were on the same team. In the game, Canderous doesn't say that the Ebon Hawk is the same ship. Here, Canderous is more candid. I thought he was a little underutilized in the second game though I loved his character in the first game, and I wanted to add more to his story. It might be a little silly for the Exile to offer to teach him the ways of the force, but she's taught everyone else on the ship, and I think it's an amusing thought.
> 
> There's some mention of Zaalbar and Mission from the first game. I wanted to mention that they were okay because they're not brought up much in the second game for continuity reasons with a dark side playthrough. It also mentions HK-47's and T3's roles in the first game. As a note, I think T3's character work in the second game is amazing. It's like Revan's graphing calculator/tool box became a hardened war veteran, and if you've got the cut content mod, HK-47 has so much cool stuff to do. I just think Canderous deserved a little more screen time and development.
> 
> There's some mention of Dhagon Ghent, a friend of Mandalore's who's falsely arrested for murder. Kreia is also starting to scare the Exile a bit, so that's why she avoids her.

Although I left Kreia on the ship, she insisted on joining me on the trip to Onderon. I reminded myself to keep my head clear, keep playing Pazaak. I just wanted her to leave. I didn’t appreciate the kind of commentary she had on my kindness or my dalliances with a certain fellow crew member. I missed having Atton around. I’d almost wished I’d been stuck in that access hatch with him, but I knew I needed more self-control. Still, after I’d managed to sneak away from Kreia, I spent some time exploring the city with Mandalore. I didn’t know how to feel about a Mandalore joining us, but he told me he was a former teammate of Revan.

“What was she like?” I asked Mandalore. Kreia had said she’d taught Revan, but she hadn’t told me much.

“Oh, she was brilliant,” he said. “A master strategist, and she always loved a good battle story. She’d ask me for a new one every day. She wasn’t war hungry though, just appreciated the art of it. She never liked to kill people. It wasn’t that different from traveling with you. She always wanted to do the right thing. She had a great sense of humor. She started calling me Man-Candy after I became Mandalore. Only person in the galaxy I’d let do that.”

I laughed. “Man-Candy?”

“I used to be called Canderous.”

“Did she mean that in a flirtatious sense?”

“No, her heart always belonged to Admiral Onasi,” he said. “Even when he was being pigheaded, it just made her love him more.”

I nodded. If Revan had loved someone, that meant maybe I should’ve allowed myself to, but Revan’s past seemed cluttered in a mess of light and dark.

Though sometimes I wondered if I had turned to the dark side during the war. I stopped hating killing. I stopped doing good deeds, and for years, I hid. For awhile, only an emptiness remained. I wondered what that said about who I was now. I wondered what that said about who Atton used to be. The force had forgiven him for murder, and it seemed to be about more than dark and light. War blurred those lines, and loyalty to Revan blurred it further for him. Had her influence turned him to the dark side? Had mine turned him to the light? I couldn’t tell what it all meant, but I didn’t bring it up with Mandalore.

“It’s nice to have one of Revan’s crewmembers aboard,” I said.

“I’m not the only one,” he said.

“No, T3 told me he remembers you,” I said.

“That’s the same droid?” he said. “He’s more battered than he used to be. I guess that’s what happens when you’re with Revan. We all became veterans. Even Mission, though I’ve heard she and…I think his name was Salad Bar…are doing well for themselves. HK-47 hasn’t brought it up. He always was worth a laugh. Maybe if I give him a jog on the noggin, he’ll remember.”

“Who are Mission and Salad Bar?”

“Twi’lek kid and her pet wookie. Could never pronounce his name right, but a good guy.”

I didn’t realize exactly how much my mission mirrored Revan’s, but I shouldn’t have been surprised. “I almost thought Kreia…”

“She wasn’t one of my companions on board the Ebon Hawk.”

I knew the navicomputer had been locked, but I hadn’t realized known for certain that it’d been locked for Revan. “It’s the same ship?”

“Y’know the bullshit the Jedi say about the force,” said Mandalore. “There is no chance.”

I couldn’t argue there.

“Watch Kreia. She knows some things you don’t, and I need her information, but I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her.”

“I imagine you could throw her pretty far,” I said.

“She’d throw me first. I saw what you did in the battle circle. Throwing Mandalorians out of the ring is easier when you can use the force to knock them out of it.”

I laughed. “So, you don’t mind that Bao-Dur and I fought in the wars?”

“Of course not. We all have battles to fight, and it’s nice to meet another warrior.”

Though the line between light and dark blurred in the presence of battle, Jedi were the only ones with the abilities to save or destroy with a flick of the wrist. I’d followed Revan and lost myself. Atton had followed Revan and lost himself. Mandalore had followed Revan directly, and I think he’d found himself. He’d remained hungry for battle, but Revan had redirected it into something more productive, into restoring unity to the Mandalorians. And it was a goal I thought was noble, if only to remove a species of disorganized thugs. I didn’t think they were strong enough to become the destructive war force they’d once been, and though I’d hated them once, and I still didn’t regret stopping them, I didn’t mind Mandalore.

I switched on my force sight to glance at him, and I found a neutral energy. I looked back at myself, and I still glowed blue, but I couldn’t truly be certain what that meant.

I paused for a moment and looked out towards Dxun, bright in the sky.

“You leave something on your ship?” he asked.

“Maybe,” I said.

“You look lost in something.”

“No, just searching for someone lost.”

“Jedi say strange things. Never understood their logic.”

“Would you be interested in becoming a Jedi?” I asked though I wasn’t one hundred percent certain I knew what I was thinking. “I trained every other organic on my ship.” I didn’t detect strong force energy from him, but I detected some kind of presence. It could’ve been the impact his strength had on me.

He started laughing. “Not only am I not interested, but you want to teach me, the leader of the Mandalorians how to be a Jedi?”

“I just thought it might be useful for you. I don’t think giving your people a semblance of order would be bad.” The force could be good for them. It might show them there could be more to the universe than destruction. It could also be destructive, but if Revan had entrusted him to lead the Mandalorians after we’d wiped most of them out, he couldn’t have been completely terrible.

“No, thanks. I’ll stick with being Mandalore. Revan never asked me anything like that.”

“I don’t think Revan taught others much,” I said.

“Still, she knew better than to ask questions like that. C’mon, we need to meet Dhagon Ghent before lunch. He starts drinking after he eats.”

I followed him through the districts of Onderon, wondering how else I resembled Revan.


	25. A Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile gives Atton a lightsaber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little, mostly unique scene. They kind of get kicked off of Onderon, and I wanted to add some of Kreia's annoyance with this.
> 
> Some of this came from my in-game experience. I looked up who I'd given the lightsaber finesse feat to and which Jedi used more dexterity than strength. I usually keep Mira and Atton with blasters, and then I give them the reflect blaster bolts powers. It's useful for all but the one on one fights. Interestingly enough, I had Atton defeat Darth Sion (cut content fight) using blasters in my last playthrough. If you upgrade blasters enough, they're incredibly deadly.
> 
> The singing note was a little silly character trait I thought I'd add.
> 
> Also, some stuff is going to happen regarding some relationships next chapter. Be prepared.

After my ordeal on Onderon, I’d finally returned to Dxun. The rest of us were clambering out of the ship when Atton told us he’d finished repairs. I took one look at him, and my heart started hammering. I immediately ran to him and hugged him.

“Didn’t know you missed me that much,” he said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be hugging Mical and Visas, too,” I said, but I didn’t let go of him.

“Of course, you will. Though I don’t expect hugs from most Jedi.”

“Expect them from me,” I said. “Besides, we hugged all the time at the academy.”

“Yeah, hugging, singing, and who knows what else.”

“I’m going to train all the Jedi to sing now.”

“You’ll have to train yourself to sing first, General,” said Bao-Dur.

I released Atton.

“I sing fine,” I said.

“I’d like to hear this,” said Atton.

“Statement: No, you wouldn’t,” said HK-47. “I’ve heard you attempt to sing in the shower. The first timed I heard it, I wondered who was getting murdered on our ship.”

“I remember when you tried to sing the chants during the war,” said Bao-Dur. “It sounded like a gizka trying to cough.”

“Well—"

“Enough of this,” said Kreia. “We need to return to the Ebon Hawk. We’ve spent far too long away from it, and after that ordeal, I’d like to rest.”

Everyone else silenced.

_She’s extra cranky, huh?_ said Atton.

_Onderon didn’t go like expected. We were chased out of the city._

_Hmm. Tell me as we walk._

And though I silently told him of our journey, I gestured for him to follow me when we reached the ship. I said, “I got you a present.”

“What?” he said. He posed himself against the wall and crossed his arms.

I pulled out a double-bladed lightsaber and handed it to him.

“I’m fine with a blaster,” he said. “I don’t need to whack people with laser swords.”

“You might need it someday,” I said. “Force users can block blaster bolts. I don’t want you to end up in a situation where you’re stuck fighting someone who can stop your attacks.”

He fingered the hilt skeptically. “I may look muscular and manly, but I’m a little better with my fingers than I am with brute force.”

I involuntarily blushed and turned my head.

“I didn’t mean I was good with my fingers in that way, but hey, if you ever wanted to…”

I didn’t dignify his statement with a response. “Bao-Dur and I use our strength, but Visas is more dexterous. I’ll ask her for help with your training.”

“Really?” he said. “I was hoping this would be a one on one session.”

“If you’d prefer, Mical is also more dext—”

“I’ll stick with Visas. I don’t need the altar boy telling me how to fight.”

He turned the lightsaber on. His eyes filled with both disbelief and reverence as he gazed at the bronze blade.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d prefer silver or bronze, but I thought—"

“Bronze is perfect,” he said. “So, do you want me to start by fighting you or someone else?”

“Ease up,” I said. “If you pick up a lightsaber and immediately start battling someone, you’re going to slice your arm off. Just copy Visas and me. A force connection or extreme dexterity is necessary to use a lightsaber. Otherwise you’ll kill yourself.”

“I have extreme dexterity.” He hadn’t toned down the flirtation in awhile. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him I liked his butt.

“And you also have a connection to the force. One is better at keeping you from chopping yourself into bits than the other.”

I reached out to Visas. _Could you come help me? I’m trying to teach Atton how to use a lightsaber without murdering himself._

She said, _I come at your call._

_Thanks, you don’t have to say it like that._

_I feel I must. You’re teaching Atton? He really missed you, you know. As did Mical._

_I’m not surprised. Come in. I need your help._

_Of course._

And though he didn’t know how to hit for maximum damage, he understood how to connect to his lightsaber, and with our help, he became proficient quickly. Still, he put it away after we finished training.

“I’m probably not going to use it much, but it’s good to have around just in case,” he said. “I’d rather use my blasters.”

I nodded. I appreciated his covering fire, and we didn’t normally fight Jedi, so I didn’t mind. I said, “Just use it when you need it.”


	26. Laugh It Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bao-Dur and Mandalore/Canderous get into an argument that Mical tries to mediate. A frustrated Exile peeks into Atton's mind and discovers something intriguing. Atton and the Exile begin fooling around using telepathy and only stop when Kreia interrupts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...umm, this is where the content gets kind of explicit. Now, I don't want anyone to stop reading because of the sexual stuff in the story. If you want me to separate the explicit scenes into their own chapters, send me a message, and I will. I will also point out from which point the scene gets mildly explicit. Here, it starts with "Laugh it up," and ends on, "Are you two quite finished?" If anyone has a problem with these scenes or wants me to move/edit them somehow, let me know. It's not fully pornographic, but it's a bit steamy.
> 
> Why is it happening inside of their heads, through telepathy? It's a bit of a loophole. It means once the Exile stops letting the Jedi Code get in the way, they can have an actual physical relationship, and it's her way around that. There will be an actual physical relationship towards the end, but for now, they're sticking with their heads.
> 
> This is actually one of the first scenes I wrote for this fic. In game, they often talk about Atton thinking of his baser lusts or having his hand down his pants, and I just thought it would be hilarious if the Exile enjoyed it. Kreia's reaction is even more beautiful in my opinion.
> 
> Also, Mical means well. I don't mean to pick on him too much, here. The game has Bao-Dur and Mandalore arguing about their history, and I thought it would be a nice detail to include.

It had been a long day, and it took a few days to get to Korriban. The atmosphere hadn’t been pleasant for the trip. Kreia was acting strangely again. I appreciated her teachings, but she told me of echoes in the force and the universe dying and how I was the cause. I didn’t understand what she wanted. I never understood what she wanted. As much as our bond connected us, I could hide from her and she from me, and she’d tell me cryptic things about being a death in the force. In some ways, I liked hearing her opinions. No one else had ever talked to me the way she had, and her history with the Jedi gave me a lot of insight into the council, but she wanted much for me that I didn’t want for myself.

My mood only worsened when I made my way to the med bay and discovered Bao-Dur and Mandalore arguing as Mical tried to mediate between them.

“You just need to air out your grievances,” said Mical.

“He’s a murderer,” said Bao-Dur. “There’s nothing to air out but the facts.”

“But can’t you refer to him as something other than a murderer?” asked Mical.

“No,” said Bao-Dur.

“He doesn’t understand respect,” said Mandalore.

“I told you to stop talking about this,” I said.

“I was trying to find a common ground,” said Mical.

I sighed. “Their only common ground is that they hate each other. They’re not going to stop hating each other. They fought on opposite sides of a war, and you’re not going to get them to agree.”

“But you fought in that war,” said Mical.

“Yes, but the General is too trusting,” said Bao-Dur.

“You’re saying that because she’s more reasonable than you,” said Mandalore.

“Stop!” I said. “This isn’t happening. Now, I don’t expect you two to get along. I appreciate having both of you on board, and sometimes having a mediator only makes these situations more difficult. Please just stop.”

Bao-Dur and Mandalore left the room. I hung my head and let out a breath of air. I let the force guide me towards patience.

“I was only trying to assist,” said Mical.

“I understand,” I said, “but it’s not going to work in this case. It would be different if it were something less serious than this.”

“But I’ve seen what you’ve done. I’ve heard the ways you’ve made peace between the unlikeliest foes. You could do it.”

And maybe it was because the war’s wounds still stung, or maybe it was because I knew how deep those wounds ran. “They have two different fundamental philosophies and battle is at the center. They don’t hate each other enough to concern me. If they discuss it more, I fear it could become more serious. This is a battle I do not choose. You can try if you wish, but I don’t think you’ll get past their deep-seated wants and hates.”

He hung his head. “I suppose I was just trying to be as good a peacemaker as you.”

“You’re a good man,” I said, “but you can’t save everyone, and I can’t either. Choose your targets for peacemaking wisely.”

“Very well,” he said.

The whole thing gave me a headache. Currently, the only unoccupied room in the ship was the cargo hold, so I decided to plop myself there.

I drifted into Atton’s mind. I needed something calming, and I was wondering if he’d play mental Pazaak again.

Instead I found something else. He was picturing me in my dancer’s outfit. I knew he had his hand down his pants. Somehow, instead of increasing my frustration, it just made me laugh.

Kreia often warned me he’d go to his baser instincts to keep her out, but I hadn’t found myself confronted with them until that moment.

I began to retreat, but he noticed my presence, and the image faded from his mind. He said, _I…don’t have an explanation for that. I didn’t mean to…umm…no disrespect._

I was lucky he couldn’t see the, no doubt, furious blush on my face. _It’s your head,_ I said _. You’re allowed to think whatever you like. Besides, it’s not like you haven’t actually seen me in that outfit of my own volition._

_I’m sorry. It’s gotta be weird to see yourself in someone else’s head like that. I was hoping you wouldn’t see this._

_Oh, I have the perfect vengeance._

I began to picture Atton in the dancer’s outfit.

 _Seriously?_ he said. _Ugh. Fine. Laugh it up._

Like me, he was wearing nothing underneath, and the more I thought about it, the more I pictured his legs uncovered by the skirt, his muscles under the top, his fully exposed back. As silly as it looked, it gave my imagination a lot to work with, so I wasn’t thinking so much about the skirt, or the bra, but the exposed skin. The bra sliding off his pecs, the butt peaking though the back, the skirt drifting upwards, slowly revealing…

 _Am I seeing what I think I’m seeing?_ said Atton.

_What do you think you’re seeing?_

_That doesn’t look like vengeance. That looks like I’m not the only one lusting._

For a moment, I tried to break free of the image, to remove it from my head, but it stayed in full glory, and then Atton sent me a picture, one of him holding my hand, as if to say, it’s okay. And in that second, my frustration boiled away, and I let my thoughts run free.

 _What if you’re not?_ I said. I pictured the outfit breaking and sliding from his body until he stood in my mind naked.

 _Alright,_ he said. _Can I have control of that image? I think I’d be more comfortable as myself in this scenario._

_I might need it to fade before I can give you control._

_Then let it go. I have another idea. I don’t think you’ll mind._

I let it fade from my mind _._ For a moment, his mind was blank, but then he was picturing me there with him in his bunk, both of us fully-clothed. It didn’t feel lustful, not at first.

He started with a hesitant kiss, and as I watched it in Atton’s head, I couldn’t help but imagine it myself. I lost control, and I reciprocated with a stronger kiss, a desperate one.

And as I read him, he read me, so although I sat in the cargo hold by myself, I didn’t feel alone. With a flash of thought, I’d already removed his jacket, then his shirt, then his pants, and he had removed everything from me in a nanosecond. He was picturing kissing up and down my torso, all the way to my legs. I was tugging at him, biting his neck, feeling along the edges of his chest, trying to capture his shape. I squeezed his butt, and then I moved to his front. He moaned and moved his fingers in between my thighs and I moaned—

“Are you two quite finished?” shouted Kreia from outside the door

The image faded, and the moment passed as I let out a huge laugh.

Kreia opened the door and turned to me. The clearly visible blush and the grin I was trying to hide didn’t help matters.

“He is a fool, and I thought you knew better—”

“I started looking into his mind for comfort. I didn’t realize where it would lead.”

“You are disgusting.” She grimaced and closed the door.

The moment she left I went back to roaring with laughter.


	27. In Our Heads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unique scene. Atton and the Exile discuss their encounter and whether they will have future encounters. No explicit scenes in this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know if Atton would know what a porg is, and I know porgs weren't mentioned until the newest film, but I think it captures the expression I'm going for the best. If it's too jarring, someone is welcome to make another suggestion.

I didn’t say anything to Atton at dinner or after about our encounter. Still he approached me himself a few hours later, “So, are we going to talk about the thing that happened in our heads?”

“Let’s keep it in our heads for now,” I said. I’d regained my composure by this point, and I wasn’t going to let my thoughts overtake me again.

“For now,” said Atton, and the lilt in his voice broke my neutral expression.

“Don’t take that to mean something will happen outside our heads,” I said.

“Fine.” He was still grinning. “So, why’d you stop? Didn’t want to go further?”

I probably would’ve gone further if we hadn’t been interrupted. “Well, it turns out someone else was listening in.”

“Someone…I know you’ve been teaching people how to touch minds, so which one was it?” he asked. He grimaced. “If it was that little Republic snot—”

“Kreia,” I said.

His eyes widened and he started laughing. “Let me guess, she called me a disgusting fool.”

“Well, she called you a fool and me disgusting,” I said.

“Not surprised.” He rubbed the back of his neck. I’d noticed this nervous habit of his before. “So, if this happened in our heads once, is it going to happen again?”

“I don’t know. We’ll see.”

“Alright, but if I find out you went mentally further with altar boy, I’m going to be pissed.”

“It’s not like that,” I said.

“It’s not? Then why does he keep watching you like a sad porg?”

“You’re the one who watches me like a sad porg.”

He broke eye contact with me and looked through the window. “Alright. You’re not wrong.”

“Atton, I kissed you in our heads because I wanted to kiss you. I do not want to kiss Mical. I’m not attracted to Mical.”

“But what about all those meditation sessions?”

“You meditate a little differently if you haven’t noticed. At least if our last encounter counts as meditation. Mical is my friend, and he likes quiet meditation.”

“You’re not attracted to Mical. So, you admit that you’re attracted to me? You’ve said you liked my ass before, but that’s different.”

“I’m surprised you need to ask that after what happened a few minutes ago.”

“I just want to hear you say it.”

“Yes. I’m afraid of engaging in such a relationship and the impact it would have on me as a Jedi, but yes.”

He moved closer to me, within reach to kiss. I poked him lightly on the nose.

“In our heads at most,” I said, and I walked away.

“Sure, because that’ll keep me satisfied,” said Atton.

I grinned, and I knew he was watching my posterior as I left.


	28. Names and Pasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Atton and the Exile have mind sex. They spend awhile talking about both of their pasts, including the Exile's last relationship and how Atton got locked into that cell on Peragus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, there is actual mind sex in this one. If you don't want to see it, start reading at, "Mind if I ask you a question?"
> 
> I'm not one hundred percent if they ever covered why Atton was locked into that cell on Peragus. I thought I recalled something in my first few playthroughs about it being related to him selling spice, but when I looked up an explanation, it was only listed as some sort of security violation. So, after further digging, I thought it would make sense if it was related to his alias.
> 
> I use the canon names here, as you can see. Jaq and Meetra. It's mostly because I'm not particularly attached to any other names. I prefer Atton to Jaq, but in story, Atton is not his real name, so I went with the canon. This story does not follow the canon of the Revan novel and or anything after KOTOR 2, and even then, it bends the canon of KOTOR 2 in a few areas.
> 
> I named Jaden after Jaden Korr of the Jedi Knight games' Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy. I've actually played that particular game several times because it used to be the only video game that worked really well on my computer. The multiplayer was particularly fun. I've never gotten the dialogue that said Atton was supposed to be the lead in Jedi Knight:Jedi Academy, but I've seen clips of it. I thought it would be interesting to swap the names and name the Exile's dead first lover Jaden.
> 
> Why did I give the Exile a previous romantic interest who died in the war? I thought it made sense for the dynamic, and it gave the Exile more reason to be tempted by Atton. She's already revoked celibacy once, so doing it again, while still iffy for her, isn't as much of an issue. I think it also balances some of the dynamic between them. I get the impression Atton's been around a bit, and I try to maintain that here. I don't mean to imply that her force connection broke because Jaden died in the final battle. It was the deaths of everyone, and she knew at that point, that one or both of them would die, but feeling the deaths of all those people at once broke her. I try to make it clear that while she might've loved Jaden, and she's not certain if she did, she slept with him because she thought they were going to die, not because she thought he was the love of her life.
> 
> I try to portray Atton as respectful of her wishes. He tries to kiss her, but he doesn't realize that's off the table. I hope that's clear.

It didn’t take long for things to continue. The next day, I decided I was curious about what would’ve happened if we hadn’t been interrupted. I sat next to him in the pilot chair. He glanced at me. We didn’t speak, but I think he knew what I wanted.

I approached him in our minds. In reality, he sat directly in the chair beside me, unmoving, but in our heads, we began a dance.

It started with a hesitant step on my part. In seconds, he was kissing me. Both of our clothes vanished with half a thought. He pecked my neck with kisses and slowly made his way down. I moaned.

I briefly peaked out of the vision to see what Atton was doing in reality, but he pulled me back in as he mentally hauled us to the floor. My legs jittered as I wrapped them around him. With a flash of thought, I let him know we could take our encounter to the next level. He agreed, but he proceeded hesitantly at first, the kind of hesitancy that said, “I want to make sure you’re comfortable.” He didn’t have to worry about that, so I made my enthusiasm known with moans and kisses. We engaged in a slow push and pull that ramped into an excited jaunt.

We broke from the vision when we finished. Atton looked down and said, “Give me a minute. I need to change my pants.”

I giggled and nodded. He returned a few minutes later.

“So, mind if I ask you a question?” he asked.

“Go ahead.”

“I realized something,” he said. “We went pretty far pretty fast. I figured because you were a Jedi you wouldn’t have…umm…”

“Had previous sexual experience?” I said.

“Yes,” he said. “Did you...when did you…umm, before?”

“You’re awfully flustered about this considering what just happened,” I said. “I’d thought you’d be more comfortable. Especially after what you said to the twi’leks.”

“Are you still upset about that?” he asked.

“You wanted them to mate with scruffy humans,” I said.

He rolled his eyes. “I said that to see if you’d get jealous.”

“Or you said that because you wanted to get with two twi’leks.”

“Did you see the look on my face when you got jealous? I hadn’t grinned that hard since the one time I beat the trash compactor at pazaak.”

I didn’t believe him, but it still eased some of my jealousy. “But why are you so flustered about this? I would think you were more experienced than that.”

“I am. I mean…this is hard with you.”

“It is?” I said, and my voice lilted suggestively.

“I didn’t mean…ugh.”

I giggled. I knew what he meant, but I wasn’t going to give in to the satisfaction of saying so. But I would give a little. “It was during the war.”

“If it was the zabrak, I swear—”

I roared with laughter. “First Mical, now Bao-Dur. How many people on this ship do you think I’m interested in?” I preferred him accusing me of sleeping with Bao-Dur to him accusing me of being interested in Mical, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“You’re right,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

I placed my hand on his. He eased.

“Was it with another Jedi?” he asked.

I nodded. “We all thought we were going to die. I didn’t agree with the Jedi’s usual restrictions on relationships by that point in the war, but it didn’t end well anyways.”

“Did he die?” asked Atton.

I nodded.

“Did you love him?” He didn’t look at me directly when he asked. I think he was a little afraid to hear the answer, but I was honest with him.

“Maybe. It’s hard to tell when you think you’re about to die.”

“Who was he?”

“Jaden was a good man. A good Jedi. Not a wonderful fighter. Attractive, but not a gorgeous man.”

“Not much like me, huh?” said Atton.

I looked him over. I felt it would be dishonoring Jaden’s memory to say I was much more attracted to Atton, and I felt more for Atton in general, but that was the case. Other than the dark hair, a certain enjoyment of sarcasm, and the Jedi powers, they didn’t have much in common. Though Jaden had been disillusioned with the council and the Jedi like I had, he’d also been raised by the Jedi, and he’d been a stickler for the rules before the war.

“Not really. You’re different.”

“Was he more like Mical?”

“What is with you and Mical?”

“I just…he’s just such a…”

“I don’t have feelings for him. Even if he does for me. And I’m not sure if he likes me or if he hero worships me. You have nothing to worry about with him.”

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s the way he looks at you. And his incorruptible nature. I’m not like him. I couldn’t ever be like him.”

“I don’t want you to be like him,” I said, “and Jaden wasn’t much like him either. I don’t go for blonds.”

He tried to hide a smug grin.

“I want to go back to the Jedi way,” I said. “That’s why I’d rather keep this mental at the moment. When Jaden and I found each other, we were torn by war and loss. He died in the final battle shortly afterwards, as a result of my actions, and it didn’t help my already damaged soul. I don’t want to go back to that. The next time I sleep with someone, I don’t want it to be in a desperate attempt for some sort of hope. I want it to be because I want someone more than anything else. I want to still feel like I can follow the code and be with someone at the same time.”

“And mind sex is okay?”

I moved my hand in the “kinda, sorta, not really” gesture. “It feels more acceptable to me.”

“Whatever makes you comfortable,” he said. He squeezed my hand. I put my head on his shoulder as I had during our first card game. I didn’t think I had to worry about it escalating physically after our satisfying encounter.

“So, since you were asking about my past, can I ask about yours?” I asked Atton.

I felt his chest heave against my ribs. “You already know the worst parts.”

"That’s not what I’m asking about. You never told me how you ended up in that cell.”

He snorted. “You still don’t trust me?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” I said. “I’m curious.”

Atton sighed begrudgingly, and I knew he was about to tell me. “So, I think you already knew this, but Atton isn’t my real name.”

“That’s too bad, I rather like it.”

He moved his arm from under my head and put it around me. “I was working as a pilot on Peragus. I came in to pick up and transport some fuel, and they checked my ID. It didn’t go through. I’d gotten that ID from the best forgery specialist on Nar Shadaa. It’s gotten me through every security checkpoint I’ve even been through, including this one. But this time, there was a blip in the system. After some further digging, they found out I didn’t exist. So, while they were trying to figure out what to do with me, they let my copilot take over, and they locked me in that cell. Just my luck to get stuck there right before the droids go crazy. So that’s how I got starved for three days.”

“The force really likes you.”

He turned his head and looked at me. “What do you mean?”

“It wanted you to get caught. So you could meet me.”

He snorted. “Well, I don’t know how I feel about all this force stuff, but I’m glad I got to meet you. Even with all this Jedi and Exchange bullshit.”

 “Atton, what’s your real name?”

“I threw it away a long time ago.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

He kissed me on the forehead. The gesture filled me with a happy heat.

“It’s Jaq,” he said.

“I prefer Atton,” I said.

“Well, I prefer calling you a crazy woman who has about as much common sense as a gizka, but that’s my name.”

I moved so I could face him, but his arm was still around me.

A devilish grin appeared on his face. “Besides, who names their kid Meetra?”

I lightly thwacked him. He slid my hand back and embraced me. His face was inches from mine, particularly his mouth. Despite our earlier encounter, Atton’s eyes held a hunger that called for my lips, and I tried not to mirror that look.

If I’d had less control, I would’ve given in and kissed him, but I turned my head away. He put his hand to my chin and tried to bring me back, but I turned away again.

“Atton, no kissing,” I said.

“No kissing? We just had sex in our heads, but you won’t kiss me?”

“No kissing,” I said. “It’s too likely to lead to the real thing.”

“Alright,” he said.

I turned back to him. He’d backed his head away.

“Can I continue to rest my head on your shoulder for awhile?” I asked.

“Of course,” he said.

And I rested on his shoulder, and he moved his arm back around me, and I knew he’d respect my wishes, even if I wasn’t one hundred percent certain I wanted him to.


	29. A Light-Hearted Discussion on a Graveyard World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The party explores Korriban, and it's pretty clear that everyone knows that the Exile and Atton are fooling around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The party is exploring through the tombs and the remnants of the Sith Academy on Korriban where they find the dead body of one of the Exile's former masters.  
> Not a substantial chapter. Mostly some fun conversation between Atton, Visas, Mira, and Bao-Dur. I don't entirely stick with the two party limit imposed by the game because it's more fun to imagine them all together.
> 
> Some dialogue directly from Korriban, but it's mostly unique.
> 
> Though I mention Sion, I don't include the scene with him. I do imagine Atton's presence makes Sion uncomfortable due to their parallels in the end of the cut content mod. If anyone's interested, I can see about adding a scene with them, but I thought the mention was interesting.
> 
> There are about 7000 words/about 25 double spaced pages according to a Word Doc left in the piece. Yes, it's long, but I wanted to give you guys the full experience. What's left is some of the stuff from around Onderon and then the endgame. It will include a mix of fluff and angst, as can be expected. If you've read this far in, I appreciate it.

“I don’t like this place,” said Atton.

“Hmm?” I said. Kreia had been giving me a history lesson on the last of the tombs. “It is a place of dark power.”

“Like Malachor,” said Bao-Dur.

Mira, Atton, Visas, and I turned to him.

“What?” said Bao-Dur.

“You talk about Malachor often,” I said, “and you specifically have a habit of bringing it up in my head.”

“It’s on my mind often.”

“I don’t blame you,” I said. “It’s one of those things you don’t forget. This world has a similar energy.”

Atton squeezed my hand. “I’ll protect you.”

Visas noticed the touch and smiled.

Mira asked, “Does she look like she needs your protection?”

“No, she could probably kick my ass from here to Nar Shadaa,” said Atton, “but it’s still good to offer help when you’re stuck on the Sith graveyard planet.”

 _You couldn’t be more obvious_ , said Mira. She was transmitting to Visas, Bao-Dur, and me.

 _You seem more open about it, General,_ said Bao-Dur. _Did you finally admit that your hearts follow the same tune?_

We’d become practiced enough at telepathy that I could have conversations even as I slaughtered the Tuk’ata, and it didn’t break my concentration.

 _Hush,_ I said.

_Okay, General, but you’re not fooling anyone. I saw Kreia scowling about something the other day._

_Then you haven’t heard about their…meditation sessions?_ said Mira.

 _Meditation sessions?_ said Bao-Dur.

I blushed. _How do you know about that?_

 _You broadcasted it so loudly, they could hear you on the Outer Rim,_ said Mira.

No wonder Kreia had been so annoyed with me. She’d calmed a bit when we landed, but I wasn’t convinced that part of the reason she stayed on board was to hide from us.

 _Did anyone else hear?_ I asked.

 _I didn’t_ , said Bao-Dur.

 _I did,_ said Visas _._

 _Mical didn’t,_ said Mira. _I’m sure he would’ve been distraught if he had. That’s how I tuned it out. I asked him to teach me to meditate, and he got me to sleep through it._

 _I thought it was…intriguing,_ said Visas.

My flush deepened. _Please don’t listen when that’s happening._

_I will respect your wishes, but you should learn to shield your minds better if you don’t want everyone to hear._

I nodded. The conversation was getting too distracting, so I’d need to start backtracking to make sure I didn’t miss anything around the tombs.

_While some things have occurred strictly inside Atton and my heads, we have not indulged in a physical relationship._

_We’ll see how long that lasts_ , said Mira. _Want to take bets on when one of us will catch them making out? Or fucking?_

 _I’m in_ , said Bao-Dur.

 _As am I_ , said Visas.

 _We’ll make it ship-wide,_ said Mira. _Even include the droids as a wildcard._

I sighed. _Please don’t include Kreia. She might kill him._

 _Yeah, good call,_ said Mira. _But Mandalore’s invited and maybe Mical if we break it to him._

I groaned.

“What’s going on?” said Atton.

We all froze for a second and started laughing.

“They know,” I said.

“How?” he asked.

“We need to be a bit quieter when we…meditate.”

“Oh,” he said and he grimaced. _I’m used to hiding with those feelings not against. Might be hard to change that._

_I understand, but I’d prefer not to broadcast those thoughts if we can._

_Rather no one know about us?_

_No, I’d rather we just keep it to ourselves. This is between you and me. No one else needs to be involved._

_Agreed._

“They’re also taking bets on when they’ll catch us together physically,” I said.

“Hopefully sooner rather than later,” he said and winked.

I glared at him.

 _Well, won’t be tonight_ , said Mira.

 _My guess just changed_ , said Bao-Dur.

“It is he who speaks in arrogance that hurts his own cause,” said Visas.

Atton frowned. _Sorry._

 _It’s alright,_ I said. _I know you can’t resist me._

_We’ll see who’s resisting who._

This hadn’t been a conversation I’d been expecting to have on Korriban, but it certainly distracted me from the darkness lingering around me, and I appreciated that. Still, as we fought through the academy, my foreboding only increased. Despite the dying goat noises interrupting our conversation, we continued to talk.

“Aren’t you glad we were trained on the ship instead of somewhere like here?” said Mira.

“I was trained somewhere like here once,” said Atton.

I glanced at him. He didn’t talk about his past much with anyone other than me.

“What was like?” I asked.

“Oh, you know,” he said. “Dark, dank, uncomfortable. If I hadn’t been careful, I would’ve ended up like sleeps with vibroblades.”

I halted. “Strange that you bring him up. I’m picking up something that reminds…”

“Don’t tell me he’s here,” said Atton.

“I see something in the distance,” said Visas. “Something dark. He might be.”

Atton groaned right as a Tuk’ata fell. “Great. Let’s go to the Sith Academy you said. We need to find a Jedi, you said. What’s behind door number one? A Sith Lord?”

We opened a door and found Vash’s body.

“Apparently a dead body,” said Bao-Dur.

 “This has been a big, dangerous waste of time,” said Atton.

“No,” I said. “We needed to know that she’d died.”

“Are you alright, General?” asked Bao-Dur.

“She wasn’t someone I’d been close to, but I didn’t wish to see her dead,” I said. “At least, not here. Not stuck in a cage.”

Atton placed a hand on my shoulder. “Sorry about the waste of time comment. This place gives me the creeps.”

“I don’t blame you,” I said, “but let’s get going. I don’t know a proper way to honor her, but may the force be with her.”

The rest of my party nodded, but we moved forward. I preferred fighting a Sith Lord to finding the body of a former master, even if she hadn’t always been on my side.


	30. Splitting Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew prepares to split up to go to both Onderon and Freedon's Nadd tomb. Mical asks the Exile about why she doesn't take him into combat much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I skipped right over Korriban.
> 
> There's a mission in the game where you send three of your party members to Dxun on their own while you stop the coup being attempted on Onderon.
> 
> I have sent Atton to lead this mission every single time I've played this game. The past couple times, I've sent Mical and Bao-Dur with him. Bao-Dur's nice because he's the ultimate skill monkey and he really fits with the dynamic I've got here, and there's something interesting about sending Mical with them.
> 
> Again, I didn't want to play Mical too negatively in this. Here, he acknowledges that the Exile doesn't have feelings for him, and he's very respectful towards her and Atton's relationship. I thought it would be nice to portray him this way. As I show in an earlier scene, he's maybe a bit oblivious, but he's not blind.

For the moment, it was time to split up. I needed a few people to ransack Freedon Nadd’s tomb on Dxun. As much as I’d like to stay with him, I trusted one person above the rest, even if I shouldn’t have. Though for me, even before my feelings had become overpowering, he’d always felt like my second. I wouldn’t turn to anyone else. Before they got going, they needed to pack up their equipment. So, as I was crouched over a workbench, Atton came to join me.

“So, you don’t want me to see Onderon?” said Atton. “Almost everyone else got to go.”

“Mical didn’t get to go either,” I said.

“And now he’s coming with me,” said Atton. “Is this some kind of poetic justice for you?”

I smiled. “Maybe. Maybe I’m testing you.” I flicked his nose and gave him a kiss in our heads.

“Is that why you’re putting me in charge?”

“No, I’d rather have you leading than anyone else.”

Since Mical was in earshot he said in my head, _And you’re making me take him?_

_Consider it an exercise in patience._

He whispered his next statement, “So, do you want to get rid of me that badly?” Then he said in his thoughts, _I thought you were enjoying our…meditation practice._ In his thoughts, he had me pinned to the wall, kissing my neck. In reality, he was looking down at me, with one eyebrow raised, trying to look as seductive as possible. It was only half working.

I kissed him and teased at his clothes in my head, but I hid my feelings in my face. “I am, but this is more important. There’s no one I trust more to lead.”

He smiled at that.

“Be careful,” I said.

“After everything you do, you’re not allowed to tell me that…but you should be careful, too.”

“I will be,” I said.

I kissed him on the cheek. Atton squeezed my hand before he left the room to pack his bags.

I sent a message to Bao-Dur. _Make sure Atton’s safe._

_I will, General. Don’t worry._

Mical turned to me when Atton left the room.

“Meetra?” he said.

“Yes?” I said.

“Thank you for trusting me on this mission,” he said. “I apologize if I’ve failed you in combat before.”

“You haven’t,” I said. “Truthfully, I’ve kept you from combat because you’re just a good person, and I don’t want to see you hurt.”

And while I did find his combat phrases annoying, I was being honest with him. If Atton fell down, he’d get back up again. Atton had also killed many people, as had pretty much everyone else. Even Mira, who didn’t like killing, had still been a bounty hunter. Mical didn’t have as much experience, and the lightness in his heart had been there long before he met me. I knew he’d probably killed more people than he let on, but I knew for certain he’d killed fewer people than the rest of the crew.

“I’d like to fight more, if possible,” he said.

“I’ll arrange that in the future,” I said. “I think you can do it.” I did think so, but again, I didn’t want to corrupt him.

“I think there’s another reason you haven’t wanted me around much.” He had a stern expression on his face. This discussion was going to become serious.

“Indeed?” I said. I hoped he didn’t find out about the combat phrases.

“I know you’ve seen the way I look at you and the way Atton looks at you, and I think you know how we feel about you.”

I nodded.

“And you return his feelings but not mine,” he said.

I didn’t speak for a moment. The words refused to come out of mouth, so I sent them to him. _I…I’m sorry, Mical._

“And I want you to know, that’s okay, and I hope you’re happy. I just want you to remain the person you are. I don’t want to pursue a relationship with you if you want someone else.” He smiled, but I could see a glint of sorrow in his eyes.

I hugged him in reality. _Thank you._

_You’re welcome, my teacher. Regardless of where your heart lies, your happiness is important to me._

I noticed Atton come back in to glance over at me from the other room. I thought his jealousy had faded by that point, but I didn’t want to reignite it.

Atton asked, _Anything I should be worried about?_

_No, not at all. Please be safe._

_I will. You don’t have to keep reminding me._

_I know._


	31. You Think You're Hot Stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Atton, Bao-Dur, and Mical get back from Dxun, the Exile asks how it went. Bao-Dur gives the Exile a cryptic warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the previous scene, the Exile did, in fact, single-handedly stop a war on Onderon. While on Dxun, Atton also rejected the dark side and told some Sith that it wasn't too late for them to see the light.
> 
> This is mostly a unique scene. The "you think you're hot stuff" line and a couple of the lines before it are in the game, but that's it.

“Hey, look, the gang’s back together,” said Atton when I arrived with Kreia and Mira. “How was your vacation to Onderon?”

For some reason, his glow seemed even brighter to me. I had to stop myself from running to him. I didn’t want to do that in front of Kreia.

“I single-handedly ended a war,” I said.

“You think you’re hot stuff, don’t you?” he said.

_You know I’m hot stuff_ , I said.

_Maybe you are_ , he said. He pictured me with my arms wrapped around him.

_Never do this in front of me again!_ said Kreia in my mind.

Atton and I froze. We glanced at each other before heading inside. As soon as Kreia had creeped away, I gave him a real hug. He picked me up and spun me around.

“Okay,” I said. “Don’t get too excited. I have to go tell the others hello, too.”

_Do you really have to?_

“Yes,” I said.

“Fine, but then I get to hear more about your little vacation.”

“I know that’s not what you’re waiting for,” I said.

“Alright. Alright. Just give me a second.”

After checking on Mical, who’d apparently rediscovered his inner history geek in Fredonn Nadd’s tomb, I approached Bao-Dur. I bear-hugged him.

“It’s good to see you,” I said.

“You too, General,” he said.

“How did he do?” I asked.

“Other than telling Mical to stop gushing over the architecture a couple times, he did great,” said Bao-Dur. “The Sith even asked him to join the dark side, and he told them it wasn’t too late for them to see the light.”

I blinked. Despite all I’d seen, I hadn’t expected that. I said, “Wow.”

“He’s always had some heart in him, but he’s really turned over a new leaf,” said Bao-Dur.

I grinned.

“General, I know you’re worried about being a good Jedi, but please let yourself be happy,” he said.

“You’re just trying to win the bet on when they’ll catch us making out.”

“I’ve already lost, General. I guessed too early.”

I started to walk away so I could spend time with Atton.

“General?” said Bao-Dur.

“Yes?”

“I think something’s about to happen. Something big. Before that, enjoy yourself.

He reached out to me in his mind and softly said, _Malachor._

I froze. I didn’t know exactly what that meant, but it wasn’t good.


	32. Calmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff between Atton and the Exile after they've been reunited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. Sex scene ends at I approached him in the pilot's chair.
> 
> Some dialogue from the game if you send Atton to Freedon Nadd's tomb. He's feeling a bit better after defeating some baddies and telling them to redeem themselves.
> 
> This is a light, fluffy scene right before everything goes to hell. Yes, that's right, readers. Be prepped for a bit of angst and frustration because we're about to hit the endgame. And yeah, this particular whisper of Malachor is a bit more urgent than usual.

Both Atton and I found private corners in the ship. I had to be in a separate room because if I’d been close to him, I probably wouldn’t have been able to hold myself back.

I decided to start with something softer this time, to pace myself. I didn’t just stare after his muscles or his butt. I’d been drawn in by his eyes, the straightness of his nose, the soft look of his hair. So I imagined running my hands through his hair, gazing into his face.

He was copying my motions, and he was transmitting his feelings back to me. His thoughts only amounted to, _You’re beautiful._

Still, it couldn’t last that way forever. I changed the image to me in the dancer’s outfit. I slowly removed his jacket, then his shirt, then his pants. I didn’t bother with the underwear, I just let it fade. The jumpsuits provided too many obstacles to coax into my fantasy. It seemed different than our usual mental rush, but it allowed us to pace ourselves. He removed my outfit with one deft swoop of his fingers. It commenced into us on top of each other. He pulled me against the wall, and without the physical difficulties of this particular action, the romp seemed comfortable, and it settled into a steady rhythm until we felt satisfied.

I approached him in the pilot’s chair after we finished.

“That was enjoyable,” I said.

“To say the least,” he said.

Again, to me, his glow looked even brighter. It could’ve been my imagination, or my own view of him affecting my image of him.

“What?”

“You seem calmer,” I said. “Did something happen on Dxun?”

“Yeah, I needed to prove something, and I didn’t get a chance to test it until now,” he said. “I thought the force would make me more vulnerable, but it’s actually made me stronger. So…uh, thanks.”

“My pleasure,” I said.

“Pleasure is all mine, I promise.” He winked.

I might’ve smacked him, but instead, I hugged him. “I’m glad to be back here. I’m glad Dxun went well for you.”

“You’re the one who single-handedly stopped a war.”

“Well, but I did leave Mical with you, and you didn’t kill him.”

“He’s not so bad. Bit of a geek, but I gave him too much of a hard time.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Up for some Pazaak?”

“Sure. Nar Shadaa Rules?”

I smacked him lightly.

“Ow. Kidding. Kidding.”

And Bao-Dur’s whisper of Malachor still haunted me, but I hoped to find some calm before everything inevitably exploded.


	33. And Through the Force We Are Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Exile finds out she is a wound in the force, siphoning her energy and powers from those around her and through violence, she panics. Kreia is captured by Atris, and they run off to catch her. She tells Atton what happened, and he's unhappy about this happening to her. She worries she's controlling him, so she tells him that she needs to stop their relationship for now. She then talks to Mical, and he tries to make her feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the game, Kreia kills the three Jedi Masters who you find on Nar Shadaa, Dantooine, and Onderon after they try to deafen the Exile to the force. They try to do this because the Exile is both siphoning force energy from others and gaining ability by killing (also known as gaining XP, interesting way of using the game mechanic.)
> 
> I always wanted to include a scene where she comforts him when she finds him hurt in the cockpit. That's quick, and it's probably the lightest part of the chapter.
> 
> This chapter's a bit of a hard one because it's sad and harsh. While the Exile says, we have to stop this for now, she does not mean it as a break up, but a pause, at least, until she figures out if she's controlling Atton. Atton's upset by all of this partially because he thinks she deserves a lot better than the lot she's been given, and he's also upset because she has been helping him, not just romantically, but by believing in him, and by encouraging him, and watching her tear herself down as a result of Kreia and the masters and hearing her imply that his feelings are meaningless hurts him. He tries to show her that he really cares, and what he feels is real. That's why he tries to kiss her in their heads, not to force her, but because he can't figure out how to communicate that. Especially when he says something in a way that's trying to be right, but in her state, she can't see that.
> 
> The reason I included this plot line was because it fits some of the misery later on in the game, and it questions whether the relationships built in the story are real, and that's already a question in the game. This part of the plot includes her trying to figure that out, but it provides some serious angst for her and Atton. Some of which justifies some of the later scenes with Atton that are present in the cut content mod.
> 
> This is probably Mical's best scene in the game, but I'll admit the last time I played through it, he didn't have me convinced, but that line at the end is very sweet. And that line's brought up later on in the fic in a different context. Still he's better at comforting her because she's not as concerned with how he feels about her.
> 
> I let her cry here because losing control of her emotions makes sense here. It might be a questionable decision, but since she doesn't see herself as a Jedi, she loses her control for awhile, and a way to regain that, to calm, is to cry.

I tried to embrace the deafening of my soul, to act selflessly, as the Jedi Masters began to lift the force from me, but I wanted to scream. I’d controlled everyone I’d cared for, and the only thing I loved as much as them was the force itself, the feeling of the universe coursing through me, and I was about to lose it again.

Then Kreia knocked all of us to the ground. The force’s energy lulled back into me, but I remembered that I was a breach, I was a black hole. I shouldn’t have been allowed to use the force anymore, or at least, that’s what I thought.

When Kreia spoke, I realized something else. I’d been made into the force’s weapon. While other Jedi could go on peacefully, I was the one who must spend my life fighting, even for good, because if I stood still, I’d draw darkness to me wherever I walked.

And she destroyed the masters in one swoop. The pain that had enveloped me, that I’d ignored only by cutting myself free of the universe, ran through them. If I could move, I would’ve screamed.

A vision of thoughts passed through my head, though my party remained on the ship. I heard all but Atton and the droids speak of me. They spoke of following me, or in Mical’s case, of wanting me.

Bao-Dur’s words were the only ones that truly sunk in. _I know you hear me. I’ve always known. That is why I follow you._

I could feel his wound echoing mine, and that is when I found the strength to rise.

I struggled to reach out, but I did, and I said, _Thank you, my friend._

_I will always be loyal to you._

I found the masters, dead on the ground. A hole remained where their lifeforce had been.

Most Jedi did not cry. We were told to control our emotions, and though that was something I’d never been an expert at, I didn’t usually release it.

But here, I stood over their bodies and tears gushed from my eyes, and I sobbed, and I wondered if anyone could feel the sob through the force.

I wiped my tears away and returned to the ship where I found Atton on the floor of the cockpit. I embraced him quickly and healed him as I did so.

“Are you alright?” I asked him.

“I’ll be fine,” he said. “You know me.”

I still hugged him.

“What about you?” he said.

I released him. “I’ll explain later. Where’s Kreia?”

“The handmaids took her. Atris will do what she does to everyone she thinks is a Sith.”

“But Kreia and I are linked. If she dies…”

He squeezed my hand. “I know.”

I blinked as I realized the meaning of his words. “Kreia is Sith?”

“Are you surprised? All that talk of manipulation, hatred…you don’t get much more Sith than that.”

And I knew he was right, and I’d had suspicions, but I’d thought she’d been more like the darker side of gray. She must’ve hidden herself from me in force sight. I’d need to rely on that a little less. “No, I’m…I’m not that surprised. I never liked how she treated people.”

“Still, if we were all judged by who we were in the past, I don’t think you’d understand who we are now.”

And I could think of no one that applied to more than the man standing in front of me. He could change. Why couldn’t Kreia? But I knew she hadn’t changed, and she hadn’t tried to. I’d been her project, her master plan. I hadn’t been her student, but her puppet, and in the end, she had saved me, but at what cost to me, at what cost to the galaxy?

“We have to get to Telos,” I said.

“I was afraid you’d say that,” he said. Atton had already dove into the pilot’s chair and begun preparation for take-off.

“Atton, I have to tell you something about what happened…”

“Tell me on the way. I’ll save that old witch a thousand times if it means saving you, too.”

I normally would’ve smiled at that statement, but I was beginning to rethink my relationships with all my crewmates.

Once we were in the air and he didn’t need to pay much attention, I explained. And the more I explained the angrier he looked and the more distraught I felt.

 “You let them almost take the force from you?” he said.

“I’m not a force user, I’m a force taker,” I said. “I’m literally siphoning energy off of people. I’m a wound in the force.”

“You always do good with it,” said Atton. “Do you know how many people you’ve helped?”

“What about how many I’ve killed? I don’t know how it works. I think I’m controlling you. I might actually be siphoning force energy off you and the others.”

“Take the force from me then,” he said. “Take it all. You’ve done more with it than I ever could’ve. You’ve always done more with it.”

“I am a black hole. I’m controlling you. I’m controlling everyone around me. I don’t even know if you actually feel what you feel for me or if I made you feel that way using the force.”

“You’re not controlling me,” he said. “I did this all for you. I followed you across the galaxy because I wanted to. Even when Kreia was trying to convince me that I had to stay, that’s not what made me. I wanted to protect you because of you.”

“But why did you want to?” I asked. “Was it blind devotion caused by the force or was it real?”

He groaned and slammed his hand against the console. “I don’t know how to convince you it is. It’s not the force. It’s not any of that. Forget the Jedi. It’s you. You’re gorgeous. You’re constantly good. You tried to give up the Ebon Hawk, you’ve given away thousands of credits, you almost gave up the force, and you’ll do it all just because you’re that good. You’re that perfect.”

“I’m not perfect, Atton, and if you think I am, it’s because the force is telling you I am.” It was happening again. I was losing control. Jedi weren’t supposed to cry. Jedi weren’t supposed to shout, but I wasn’t a Jedi anymore, and I hadn’t been in years.

“I am telling you you are because I know you, and the force didn’t make you that way.”

“But maybe it made you see me that way.” Tears were streaming down my face. “Atton, we have to end this for now.”

He shut his mouth quickly, possibly to stifle a sob or a yell. My words had shattered him, and it just gave me another reason to regret my actions.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I want to make sure I’m not mind controlling you into wanting me.”

“I don’t care if you are! For once in my life, I don’t care if I’ve let someone mess with my head. You’re the only person I’ll let in there. And you, you made me believe I was a better person. I finally stopped hating myself, just a little bit, because of you.”

I turned away. “Atton, I shouldn’t have done any of this. I shouldn’t have used you like this. I’m sorry.”

“Meetra—”

“I need some time alone.”

He sent me an image of a desperate kiss, but I shut it down. I walked away. I heard another bang against the chair as I was leaving.

Mical found me in Kreia’s room, not long afterwards.

“Is something troubling you?”

“I fear I have been influencing you without realizing it.” I sighed. “Do you ever wonder why you’re following me?”

“Never. I’m here because I choose to be. Because I believe in what we’re doing.”

“How do you know the force isn’t making you feel that way?” It felt a little easier to discuss this with Mical because Mical’s feelings for me didn’t affect me the way Atton’s did.

“I just do. I can offer no proof.”

Neither could Atton. Neither could I.

I explained to Mical. He thought I was a natural leader, he thought that the Jedi had lost themselves in isolation, that all of this had come from me because of who I was. But I knew, at some level it was beyond that. Not all levels, but at some.

“Where they look at you and see the death of the force, I look at you and see hope for all life.”

That broke through my calm, and I started crying again.

“I’m here if you need me,” said Mical and he hugged me. “Do not forsake your connections to others. There are others who need you. Telos needs you. That goes beyond the force. It is your actions, it is what lies in your heart.”

He sat there and held me for a few minutes as tears ran down my face. It was better for me to use tears than to use the force to calm my feelings.

I sent Atton a brief message. _I’m sorry. I still…I just want to make sure this is real._

He replied in a tone of noble defeat, _I understand._ He sent me of an image of him hugging me, even as I still hugged Mical. I hid where I was from Atton. I didn’t want him hurt.


	34. An Absent Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile finds Bao-Dur through the force after he disappears. Some of what they're discussing involves the mass shadow generator which one the Mandalorian War by killing everyone on Malachor V. Bao-Dur created it, and the Exile gave the order to use it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the Exile defeats Atris, Bao-Dur and HK-47 disappear. If you have the cut content mod, HK-47 runs off to the HK factory and defeats the HK-50s. There is never an explanation given for Bao-Dur's disappearance. This is my explanation, and I think it makes sense given their past. Bao-Dur is haunted by Malachor, and he can't bear to go back, but he'll do some good on Telos. The game mechanic explanation is that they planned a sacrifice for Bao-Dur, and I am not okay with that.

On Telos, everything seemed to blur. After I’d defeated Atris, HK-47 disappeared. He hadn’t said anything, but I had the feeling he’d found his enemies. I hoped he’d return, if only because he made me laugh, and I feared he might blow up a planet if he wasn’t kept in check. As soon as I reached Lieutenant Grenn, Bao-Dur disappeared as well.

I tried to reach for him, to figure out where my friend had gone.

I couldn’t pinpoint his location, but in my search, he found me. He said, _General. I’m sorry. I have some things to finish on Telos on my own and some plans to arrange._

_What plans?_ I’d always trusted Bao-Dur. He’d probably been my best friend on the ship. He’d been the only one who’d walked my path, and he’d been the one I’d asked to do an impossible task.

_First, I’m planning a little surprise for the Sith on Telos’s outskirts, and then, I know you must walk where I cannot follow. I’d follow you into hell, but I can’t follow you to Malachor. It would break me again, and I am not as strong as you._

_I understand_ , I said. _You could’ve said goodbye._

_I didn’t have very much time. I had to leave during your fight with Atris. Once you leave Malachor, come find me. I’ll be waiting for you._

_Where?_ I said.

_I do not know, but you will find me._ And his voice seemed more distant, and I realized he’d gone somewhere far away. Whatever he went, I’d still be able to reach him, if I looked hard enough.

Kreia had never been able to read his thoughts. She’d never connected with him like I had, and I wondered if he’d been stronger than I’d realized, or my ability to bond had let me in, but not hers. Regardless, wherever he went, I’d find him.


	35. Echoes of Malachor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile talks to Admiral Onasi (Carth), and she asks him about love. He tells her about his opinions on it and his love for Revan. She prepares to go to the ship, and she hears her companions talking one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an extended scene where the Exile spends more time talking about Revan with Carth. In the story, she meets Carth after she saves Telos, and as is shown, he asks her to bring Revan back. That scene is for KOTOR 1 fans, and it reflects on the journey took through the first game, and it applies some of his relationship with Revan to what the Exile feels with Atton.
> 
> Some of the dialogue shown between the companions only appears in the cut content mod, particularly Atton's statement. When I first saw that scene, it hit me like a truck.  
> This is part of the reason I included the break up. When he was with her, he stopped wanting to give up so much, but heading back to Malachor, confronting his past, and losing her, makes his self-loathing hit him even harder than before. And when she sees it, it hurts her, too.
> 
> Bao-Dur's dialogue was extended to reflect the reasons behind his absence.

After I'd saved Telos, Admiral Onasi asked to meet me. I’d seen Admiral Onasi before, but only at a distance. He’d been on my side of the war, but we hadn’t directly interacted much. I recalled seeing the admiral on T3’s screen, and I could only presume he’d been waiting for his love, Revan. He looked handsomer than the hologram had portrayed. More like Jaden than Atton, but he had shorter hair than Jaden did. They had similar beards.

He told me he’d been waiting for Revan for four years.

Where she went, she couldn’t take anyone she loved. I wondered what that meant for me. Knowing my life, and the way our paths crossed, I’d need to follow her. He told me a tale of a journey much like my own, of discovery across planets, one with Canderous, HK, T3, Bastila and the long-famed Jolee Bindo who I had heard stories of throughout my time in the order.

And it made me think of love, as it was, and I said, “Most Jedi don’t have relationships. In fact, Jolee’s love story is a template for a cautionary tale, but you and Revan…you were together.”

“Jolee told me about that,” said Carth. “So did Revan. She said that it wasn’t love that destroyed relationships, but the darker side of it. Possession, jealousy, passion lead to the dark side, but not love.”

“Do you regret being with her now that she’s gone?”

“Never. I’ll wait for her for the rest of my life.”

I nodded slowly. I wanted to cast a line out to Revan, to bring her back myself. I’d have to ask T3 to unlock the navigation system after this ended.

“Is there a reason you’re asking me about relationships with Jedi? Someone you want to be with?”

“Yes. Though he does get jealous. As do I. And due to the nature of force bonds, and some weird things with Malachor, I’m not sure if I manufactured his feelings for me with the force…”

He smiled for the first time. “I doubt that. I’ve been around a lot of force energy in my time. There isn’t much that creates love. Devotion, maybe, but not love. It’s part of the reason Jedi don’t want to mess with it. It’s not something the force can control, but you can control how you handle it. Revan and I had our share of spats, and it took me a long time to trust her, but I learned to trust her with my life. Love isn’t without its ups and downs, but if you can figure out that communication, if you’ve found someone who helps keep you sane, who you enjoy spending time with, then it’s worth it.”

I smiled. Atton and I did need to work on the communication, but we did have our own rhythm, and I felt happier with him. A new hesitancy dawned on me, because as Carth said, Revan could not take anyone she loved, and I needed to follow her. I’d deal with that after we dealt with Malachor.

“If I go, I’ll bring her back for you,” I said.

“If you find her, simply tell her that Carth Onasi is waiting for.”

And it was time to return to Malachor. And I heard my companion’s thoughts. Their fears of death. Atton didn’t say anything to me when I came into the cockpit. I told him it was time, and we started on our way.

Visions of all of them passed through me. Visas wished me luck. Mira feared to return home. Mical feared for the Republic.

Atton said, _Wish I’d never met her. Wish I’d died there. Wish the storms had dragged me down into the depths of Malachor V._

And I didn’t know if he knew I could hear him, but it opened a new hole in my chest. I couldn’t imagine a world where he’d died. It would absolve him of his guilt, of his hatred, but I couldn’t imagine a world without him, and his hurt and his pain were leading him to wish for none of it. And the foreboding of Malachor’s approach hit me even harder.

 A moment later, Bao-Dur came back to me, but only in voice. _Your command echoes still, and I obey, as I did, at Malachor V. Now Malachor V calls to us, and though I am not there, I face it, one last time through you and Remote. You know where you must go. It calls to you still._

I didn’t know what he meant. I knew he had left Remote on board.

And my enemy called out to me, _It is the heartbeat of the galaxy._

Bao-Dur returned. _And she must stopped before she brings the echo of Malachor V across the galaxy._

Sometimes, protecting the universe hurt. I didn’t talk to them, I only listened for the moment, and then I meditated, first with pazaak, and then by tuning it all out, and my mind slept till Malachor.


	36. A Tragic Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Exile makes her way through Trayus Academy, she sees a vision of Atton's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They have finally arrived at Malachor, and Trayus Academy is where Kreia has created an army of Sith. The Exile has to go through the entire academy to get to Kreia.
> 
> In the cut content mod, there is a lot more to this. Not only does the Exile rescue her party members, but Atton has a solo fight with Darth Sion. If Atton loses, he dies, and if he wins, he is safe.
> 
> This shows the Atton dies ending but as a possibility, not an actuality. It is notable in that it's the only time in the entire game he tells the Exile he loves her. And this is where the title of this piece comes from. He has loved her from the moment he saw her, and the story starts from the moment they meet. This scene is so interesting and heart-breaking that when I do play through this game, I usually play through first his death and then the ending where he survives. The other really painful thing about this scene is as the Exile, you cannot tell him you love him, too. The game doesn't have that dialogue. So, here, I show her struggling to tell him, but she cannot because of how painful it is.
> 
> I know in the warnings, I don't list major character deaths. In this case, it is just a vision, and the only other case is when you defeat the final boss in the game. And don't worry, as heartbreaking as this is, it's going to get heartwarming from here.
> 
> This part is written in present tense intentionally. It's to add immediacy. I hope it's not too jarring, but to me, it seemed to flow best in present tense. I am usually a fan of past, but sometimes, using present fits the piece.

The weight of the galaxy’s pain that echoed throughout Malachor almost floored me, but still I had to fight. Still, I had to move forward, and I couldn’t let anything slow my descent through Trayus Academy. Not when Kreia and her charges waited for me. But something did slow me.

The vision came as a warning. As I brought a Sith down, I was transported. I watched from the sidelines, as if it were on a vid:

 

I see Atton helpless in Sion’s arms.

“There’s nothing worse you can do to me,” says Atton.

As Sion pummels him in the face, busting the lips I’d imagined kissing, I try to look away, and the vision takes me somewhere else. I see the results of the battle, and he’s battered. His body is covered in a horrible amalgamation of blood and cauterization. I try to heal him, but even I can’t.

“Did I…save you yet?” he asks.

“Shh…you’ve lost a lot of blood.”

“Always was ugly, now the outside matches,” he says.

I’m trying to not cry. I’m holding him as tight as I can without hurting him. His blood is staining my clothes.

“Was supposed to save you,” he says.

“I could ask for no greater sacrifice,” I say.

There are more words, but I can’t hear them all. At least not in the vision.

He says, “Never told you…lied to you…”

“You never needed to tell me, Atton, I knew.” Why am I not telling him how I feel? I know what he’s about to say, but I’m not telling him that I feel it, too, and maybe it’s because he’s dying, just like Jaden, but I feel more than I felt for Jaden. He means more than that.

“I don’t want to die in front of you.”

“I will stay with you until the end comes,” I say, but I still don’t say how I feel.

“Loved you from the moment I first saw you, thought you were a dream…meant every word…tried to play it off as a joke…wasn’t funny…hurts when I laugh…hurts…”

I hear all of this, and yet, I still don’t say it back, and then he is gone, and I am alone again.

“No!” I shout.


	37. Hope for Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the vision, the Exile reaches out to Atton to tell him how she feels and to give him hope for his battle against Sion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly unique. This is the Atton defeats Sion ending, after all.
> 
> Yes, I riffed on Mical's line for them, but I thought it would be interesting to hear a response to that. To hear a deepening of those thoughts. And despite what Atton says, no, Mical, wouldn't be pissed if he knew. I hope it's effective.
> 
> I just enjoyed writing this part. It's short, but it's really happy, and it shows a lot of the telepathy weaved in throughout the story having an effect on their characters.

Something Mical said filled my thoughts. _Where they look at you and see the death of the force, I look at you and see hope for all life_.

I searched for Atton across the academy, but in the darkness, I couldn’t find him. Something blocked me, or he stood too far away. Though I didn’t detect anyone, I pictured him, and I shouted through the force to whoever could hear, _And when I look at you, I see everything. I see the universe’s darkness and light reverberating through one person. And I see what you want every time you look at me. I see the fear of what we both feel echoing through us, and I have to think, I have to hope, I have to wish, that it’s as real for you as it is for me._ I paused. I was starting to feel some kind of presence, but I couldn’t tell what it meant. _You cannot let yourself die here because I need you with me. I look at you and see hope for me, the destroyer of all life._

And I hoped that maybe Atton, or at least someone, had been listening.

And I got a reply. _I look at you and see hope for me, a man who’s destroyed hundreds, including himself, and a man that sees the last remaining good in himself only because of you._

I let out a laugh that verged on a sob. He appeared in my head, and he hugged me.

_You said that was based on something Mical told you?_   _Altar boy’s gonna be pissed that I hijacked his line for our relationship._

With that, I found Atton’s mind across the academy, and I found him, running. I felt Sion’s presence, and it longed for Atton, ready to destroy him.

_Sion waits for you on the other side of that door,_ I thought. _Remember what I’ve taught you, and if you die out there, I’ll kill you. Use your lightsaber. He’ll be able to block your attacks if you use your guns._

_I’ll fight him for you, don’t worry,_ he thought back.

_Fight hard. I’ll be there when you get out of there. I was stupid to not let you kiss me in reality, but now, if you get out of there, alive, you’re getting kissed. I want you._

I could feel his heart pounding through our telepathic connection. He rushed into a mental kiss.

_See you soon,_ he said. But even though he let go, I kept a mental hold on him.

I stayed in a little alcove of the academy, surrounded by corpses. I watched as they fought. Although he showed little skill with lightsabers in comparison to blasters, the one I’d given him served him well, and he was able to break through Sion’s defenses and run away. I knew in my heart I’d saved him. I’d loved him all this time, and I wasn’t about to lose him.


	38. Triumph

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile defeats Kreia, and she kisses Atton. They return to the ship with Mical.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Exile has finally defeated Kreia. In the game, Kreia spends a few minutes talking about the future of the other party members in game, and in the cut content mod, if Atton survives, he comes to retrieve you.
> 
> I mentioned earlier that I'll play it through with both endings a lot of the time. The first time when I looked up and Atton was there to meet me after I'd seen the death scene, I grinned like an idiot. I was so happy to just see him there waiting. I added a kiss and declaration of love because I just wished she would kiss him right after that scene. And here it is. 
> 
> Kreia literally dies out of spite here. She doesn't want to hear about Atton being good for the Exile, and she so she dies so she doesn't have to hear it. I do actually think that a lot of Kreia's vitriol for Atton stems from the fact that he could see exactly the kind of person she was before anyone else could. She calls him the fool, but he knows her better than anyone else.
> 
> The line she says to Kreia is unique, but a lot of this comes out of the game. Not the "I love you" of course.
> 
> The way the cut content mod works is interesting. It doesn't allow you to tell Atton anything about how you feel, but the implication is very much, if he survives, he's going with you. I try to show that the force is saying he needs to go with her, much like the semi-canon of the cut content mod says he can go with her. They talk about how he's touched enough darkness that he knows how to stave it off at this point. If this were a male Revan, the implication could be he left Bastila behind because she was pregnant. Bastila has also touched the dark side, but a male Revan probably wouldn't want the kid to go with them. Carth has very little experience with the dark side, and he's an admiral who has a duty to the Republic. I think Revan leaving him behind for that reason fits this narrative.
> 
> I included some of the stuff with G0-T0 and HK even though they weren't really a focus in the fic. I wanted it to be clear what happened to them, and the next chapter is about what happens to them and the rest of the party. In the cut content mod, HK-47 can defeat G0-T0 and recruit HK-51s to fight for him. I thought it should be mentioned, if even casually. Also, if you haven't played through the mod or seen that scene, it's fantastic.
> 
> Atton has begrudgingly accepted that T3 is not so bad by this point, and I think that fits with the previous chapters. Mandalore wins the bet, and T3 gets close because they remember how this went in the first place. I thought they'd be both unlikely, yet interesting winners.

Finally, the end came, and though I hadn’t struck the final blow into Kreia’s heart, after our strenuous battle, she was about to die. I asked her of my companion’s futures. In her last breaths, she said she could see some of what was to come through the force’s divination.

But she neglected to mention Atton until I brought him up.

She said, “Atton is as always the fool, and the force will watch over one such as him.”

“Did he love me?” I asked, desperate to hear the answer, even though I knew the truth.

“He is a fool, and that should answer all your questions. He has nothing to offer one such as you – and even a fool such as Atton is not so ignorant of that fact.”

She always called him the fool, and I knew it was because he was the only one to see her as she was. He was the only one who understood her true ugliness, her true darkness, and she wanted to sabotage my feelings for him. His past also darkened him to her. She wanted me to be idealistic and pure instead of embracing that even as good as I could be, I could still love someone who’d once embraced darkness. Still, her true vitriol stemmed from how Atton knew her and how she never wanted him to have me.

“He has more to offer me than you could ever know,” I said.

She fell to the ground with a scream before I could gain any satisfaction from telling her how I felt.

Atton stood balanced against a pillar, not far from where she died. I felt like he had dropped down from the stars, just for me.

He asked, “Need any company? I mean, I’m not doing anything. Besides, if I’m not around to bail you out of trouble, who knows what could happen?”

I ran towards him.

“Alright, then! Where are we going again? I mean, because last time, we were heading towards this mining colony on the edge of space, and there was this Sith Lord, and...”

I reached him and said, “I love you.”

“What?” he said.

I kissed him. Even after everything we’d been through, he was too surprised to fully respond. I kissed him again and again, and as he accepted the kiss, it felt even more dizzying, more tantalizing than the time in our heads.

“I have to go to the Outer Rim and Kreia said I couldn’t take anyone I loved, but I love you,” I said.

“Fuck Kreia,” said Atton. “I’m going with you.”

“Revan didn’t take Carth,” I said.

“You and I have been through hell and back,” he said. “I can handle the Outer Rim even if the admiral can’t. I’ve been through the dark side, the light side, and all around it. I don’t think anything else is going to knock me back into darkness. Don’t you think so?”

And something in the force told me, even if many of the others were not meant to follow me, that he was. “I think so.” I looked at him up and down and back at Kreia’s corpse. “While I’d prefer not to speak ill of the dead…fuck Kreia.”

I kissed him and kissed him. I found peace in his kiss, a place away from the rest of the galaxy’s madness, a world of my own where I only felt joy. I didn’t stop kissing him until I heard a throat clear.

“Umm, hello,” said Mical.

Atton and I paused, but we still held each other. “Yes?”

“We pulled the ship out of the depths, and I thought you’d like to come back to it before the planet blew up,” he said.

“Thank you, Mical,” I said.

“Oh, and I’m really happy you two are finally officially together.”

Atton and I let go of each other, and we started for the ship, but we talked as we ran for it.

“Mandalore won the bet on when someone would catch you two,” said Mical. “Though T3-M4 was pretty close. Everyone else thought it would be sooner than this. Mandalore said something about it happening close to the defeat of the big bad.”

“Leave it to the Mandalorian and the trash compactor,” said Atton.

“Oh, I should mention, G0-T0’s dead,” said Mical.

“Oh,” I said. I’d talked to him a bit, and I’d discovered he’d been a crime lord, but he hadn’t exactly been my favorite traveling companion.

“It’s alright,” said Mical. “HK-47 killed him to stop him from destroying the mass shadow generator. HK’s also recruited a bunch of HK-51s and killed all the HK-50s.”

“Huh,” said Atton.

“So, the immoral droid kills the worse droids?” I said.

“Droids are all the same,” said Atton. “Unrepentant murderers.”

“Except for T3-M4,” said Mical.

“Except for the trash compactor,” said Atton.


	39. Goodbyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Exile says goodbye to most of her companions. She and Atton have actual sex for the first time, and they prepare to journey beyond the Outer Rim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The semi explicit stuff starts with, "I pushed him away," and ends on, "We were both sweating when we stopped." They still utilize the force a bit in this.
> 
> This chapter is the goodbye chapter. In the game, we never get to see what happens after the Exile defeats Kreia. I'm hoping the hugging doesn't seem too dramatic, but I think it fits. Mira shows that she actually cares about the Exile and goes after her first while Visas and Mical join in.
> 
> I was following the game's continuity with Visas, Mira, and Mical. They're supposed to rebuild the Jedi, and here, the Exile lets them. She will miss her friends, and I thought this was important. I briefly mention the Handmaiden here, and the idea would be that the three of them recruit her afterwards. Mandalore stays behind because as much as he misses Revan, he has to be Mandalore, and Revan's the one who made him Mandalore.
> 
> Bao-Dur's future is a lot more uncertain in the game itself, and that's why I thought he should come with her. I think it fits with his character and what the game gave us. That's also why T3 and HK are coming along.
> 
> I do include the from the moment I saw you line here again. It's the title, I had to, and you didn't think I was going to end without him telling her he loved her for real?
> 
> A continuation would include Atton, Bao-Dur, T3-M4, some HKs including 47, and the Exile going to the Outer Rim and saving Revan and bringing her back to Carth. Because I don't get behind any other ending. They all deserve some happiness. Whether or not I make this depends on my level of patience and if any of you want to read it. So have a great day everyone, hope you enjoyed it. I worked hard on it, and I hope it shows.

After we escaped from the wreckage, we let autopilot handle the journey. I turned to my crew. Atton stood with his back against the wall, leaning forward with his arms crossed. Mira, Mical, Mandalore, and Visas sat, though HK-51s completely packed most of the ship.

“Many of you I will need to leave from here,” I said. “I must go beyond the outer rim, and it’s a journey only so many of us can survive. Visas, Mical, Mira, I will need you to stay here and rebuild the Jedi.

“Bullshit,” said Mira. “I’m coming with you.”

“Not this time,” I said. “Rebuilding the Jedi is important, and there’s no one I’d trust with this more. Keep the Republic intact while you’re at it.”

“It’s my honor,” said Mical.

“Atton’s not coming with us?” said Visas.

Atton and I looked at each other and nodded.

“Do you really think I could help rebuild the Jedi Council?” said Atton. “Because fuck those guys.”

“Point,” said Mira.

“Besides, she and I are...umm…”

“Fucking?” said Mira.

“Well, we haven’t got to that part yet, at least not outside our heads—”

“We are together, yes,” I said, “and I’d like his company for many reasons, but no, I don’t think he’s meant to rebuild the council like the three of you. While you’re at it, ask around Atris’s academy on Telos. One of the Handmaidens might be interested in joining you. Kreia said most were blind to the force, but I detected some force energy from one of them. I need the three of you to rebuild. I know you’ll find your roles, and I trust each and every one of you.”

They nodded.

“I shall miss you,” said Mical.

“I will too,” said Mira. “Kinda got used to having you around.”

“And I will always follow your will,” said Visas.

“I know,” I said. “And I care for all of you, and that’s why I think you can rebuild the Jedi.”

They silenced for a moment. I’d tell them goodbye later, but first, I needed to plan for the coming journeys.

“Mandalore, you’ll have to be Mandalore,” I said.

“Damn right,” he said. “No one else is going to do it. Tell Revan to come back, and I understand why she left me behind. I’ll keep the galaxy intact while she’s gone.”

“HK-47, T3, where you go is up to you,” I said.

“Query: Master, would you be retrieving my former master, Revan?” asked HK-47.

“I plan to help her stop a threat and then bring her back,” I said.

“Dee-deet! Dee-deet!”

“Yes, you’re welcome to accompany me,” I said. “I believe she’d like to see you again as well.”

“Statement: Master, I believe you could use my assistance, as well as that of a few of my associates,” said HK-47. “I will leave the galaxy in the capable hands of HK-51s until I return.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. “I could use your assistance, but if there’s something you need to take care of here, you may.”

“Statement: Master, I would like nothing more than to remove the still-beating heart out of those who would dare keep my former master from this galaxy,” said HK-47. “I have a duty to follow you.”

“Then it is settled,” I said. I pointed to Mandalore, then Mira, Mical, and Visas. “I will let you off at Dxun, and I will let the three of you off wherever you wish to go.”

Mira rose from her seat and hugged me without warning. Mical and Visas followed suit.

I let them go, and I whispered to them in their heads, _May the force keep you safe, and if you ever wish to reach out to me, no matter how far away, I will try to reach back. I will always be thankful for how you helped me._

_I’m sorry you must go_ , said Visas.

_I wish you would stay_ , said Mical.

_Kick their asses and come back here. Promise me you will._

_I’ll do my best. Be safe._

And as I let them go, a knot of sorrow waded through me that diminished the joy I found in my kiss with Atton. I started to return to the pilot’s chair.

Still, another voice rang through my head, _General?_

I froze. _Bao-Dur?_

_Yes, General? Did you do it? Was the generator activated?_

_Yes. We did it. Where are you?_

_I’m still on Telos, General. I stopped some of the ground forces while you took down the ship._

I tried to feel the force’s will. Did I need him to come with me, or did I want him to rebuild the order? The force’s answer seemed tentative, unlike its definite want for Visas, Mira, and Mical to stay and for Atton to join me.

_Bao-Dur, would you like to rebuild the Jedi Order or come with me beyond the Outer Rim to find Revan?_

_Come with you, General. I don’t know how I’d teach a bunch of younger Jedi. I’m more of a machine man, myself. And I’d like to meet Revan, if I can._

And it seemed right, so I decided to take him. _We’ll pick you up before we go._

_See you soon, General._

With everyone set up, I turned to Atton.

“I’m ready to follow you to the edge of space,” he said.

“Really? At the moment, that’s not what I had in mind.”

I took his hand, and we headed to Kreia’s old room. We found it full of HKs, but they left without a fuss. I closed the door.

I kissed him, and I let the heat linger through me. We continued to kiss for a few more minutes. Hands flew from place to my place across my body, so fast, but so gentle, I couldn’t keep track. I wrapped my arms around him, trying to etch his shape into my head.

I pushed him away.

“What?” he said.

I flicked my clothes off with a snap of force power. He was too impressed to respond.

“Clothes off, or I’ll take them off you,” I said.

“Take them off me,” said Atton.

I hadn’t been one hundred percent honest with my threat.

“I don’t want to hurt your jacket,” I said. “It’s sexy.”

He had his jacket off in seconds, but I removed his pants with the force. He nearly tripped as he slid off his jumpsuit.

He ran to me and kissed me like I was keeping him breathing. His toned arms surrounded me. He paused to force pull a mattress from a bunk and into the center of the room. I pushed him down on it and pounced on him. I relished every touch. I hungered for him. I wanted to touch every inch of him.

Then I connected in our heads to double the titillation. He matched my every movement. He knew exactly where to lick. I knew exactly how to slide my hands across his body. I felt his pleasure reverberating back into me and vice versa. The mental and physical connection compounded into a dance of bliss.

We were both sweating when we stopped.

“Whoa,” he said, “and I thought it was good in our heads.”

“Me too,” I said. “I haven’t ever felt anything like that.”

“So, this is what you wanted?” he asked. “More than anything else?”

“Very much so.”

He gazed at me for a moment, and he settled his arms around me in a comforting embrace. “I love you. I have from the moment I saw you.”

The image of his death flashed through my mind. I caressed his cheek, and it reminded me that he was alive. I didn’t have anything to fear. I wasn’t going to lose him.

“I know,” I said. “I’ve always known.”

“And you really love me, too? After everything I’ve done?”

“I love you. And I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. There’s no one I’d rather be journeying beyond the Outer Rim with.”

He kissed me. “I’ll always be there to protect you. No matter what. You’re never getting rid of me.”

“That’s the way I want it,” I said as the afterglow settled over me. As the force’s energy and the physical pleasure of the afterglow combined to ease me, I knew wherever we went, we’d be alright, and we could make it beyond the Outer Rim together.


End file.
